But the weird wallpaper backing layer was giving me pause for thought - it wasn't paper it was a pressed fiber-y layer of weirdness. And then it hit me. Fucking asbestos!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! I mean you run into all kinds of dangerous things while renovating a house: old toys and walls with lead paint, disgusting STD-ridden vintage porn in the back of closets, tetanus causing rusty nails, the rat's nest of hantavirus in the attic, pervert plumbers who make you do shameful things when you're short on payment. Just normal things that a hot shower, a loofah and some bleach can totally take care of. But no asbestos thus far. I think that shit is like Kryptonite to my superglam powers.
Proud of my deft handling of the situation I decided that I should flush out all the fibers that were probably trapped in my lungs with a few drinks. Naturally my wine glass was the closest liquid I could find so I chugged some merlot for a good ten minutes before I realized that your esophagus doesn't lead to your lungs. Under normal circumstances I probably would have figured that out after the first glass but I hadn't taken a deep breath in about twenty minutes to save myself further damage from floating fibers so I may have been hallucinating. Helloooo I'm not stupid!
But after I chugged the wine to "clean" myself I realized that I didn't really care one way or another about the asbestos because I was hungry and had to go to Krystal for dinner and drunk dial a few friends.
Moral of the story: HGTV house-flipping bullshit that inspired people across the nation to buy tons of old houses they couldn't afford to renovate them STILL caused autism, cancer and the 2009 recession.