Sunday, December 26, 2010

This makes me exceedingly happy.

It's Christmas at the ModSauce Ranch!!  I figured I'd better put up or shut up about with regards to decorating my tree.  The topper is a bag of donkey dicks but I swear I will make it and the whole thing better next year.  This was my first year with this color scheme so cut me some slack GAWDDAMMIT!!!!

But next year, oh next year, we are going to KILL it!!  Just you wait...

Yeah I got it at Ace...

And then because I'd been such a good girl this year Santa sent me snow on Christmas morning!!  I wish he'd sent me a new fence too but beggars can't be choosers.  FYI - that stump in the bottom right corner was a giant cypress that fell from the big snow we had last year.  I think it was about two inches worth of white stuff but it proved to be too much for that FIFTEEN FOOT tree.  *eyeroll*  Pussy.  



Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Y'all!!!

click to enlarge for maximum rainbow effect
Yeah. Just me, Charlemagne and Jesus hanging out.  I think Jesus is high.  I'm a little tipsy.  It works because we're gonna stare intensely into the lit tree until the LED lights blind us.

The ModSauce gang wishes you a holiday full of fabulosity, cheer and awkward family hugs!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Madame Sunday's Holiday Tips

Christmas is my favorite time of the year so naturally it brings out my best qualities and I have lots of smart things to say about it to help you out.  You might want to print these out.

1. Don't procrastinate.  I always put off buying the Best Buy gift cards and Bath and Body Works lotion sets until the very end because it's my least favorite thing to buy.  Now I'm stuck wanting to ram someone with my car to get a bland gift because it's what they want.  No really, they asked for this stuff and I aim to please.  But don't be like me.  Shop early before you want to murder someone.  Our court system is already clogged.

2. Who am I kidding, we always procrastinate.  You're probably busy with parties and lists and shoveling food in your mouth until you develop an eating disorder so you might need a little help around the holidays - especially if you're a single Madame who has the flu right now and owns a ranch where an ugly bomb of boxes and Christmas presents and laundry exploded in it.  I would recommend getting a house elf.  Not this one (but how fun!)
SAAAANNNTTAAAA!  I know him! I know him!

this one:

Good luck with that because those are pretty hard to come by in the muggle world no matter how much fabulosity you have.  You could also put an ad out in Craigslist but "Madame seeking house boy" does NOT get you the responses that you are wanting.  Work would get done but I'm required to wear tall pleather boots all day and yell things at him like "you're the son of a motherless goat!!" while beating him and I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT as stated in the first sentence.  That's MORE work for me.  Also pleather sounds sweaty and my feet would hurt after awhile.  Frankly, if you have a tip for me in this area that would be great.

3. I have a wrapping paper addiction and if you're like me you have about a billion dozen more rolls of paper than you will ever use and never have the correct matching ribbon.  Dr. Drew needs to have a show about people like me.  So I put myself on restriction and forcing myself to use what I have because I care about the environment.  I cut a small square of each paper and put it in my wallet so I can properly match a ribbon anytime I go out to a store.  Which is a lot.  But it works and I've saved money and time.  You're welcome.

dress, design, decor.  Nice but needs bigger bows!

4. Oh and quit decorating with these: 

They look like very dangerous butt plugs that they use in the North Pole but I'm pretty sure Mrs. Claus doesn't do anal.  

5. Fucking REGIFT! People think it's tacky but I say it's efficient and IS a good gift because it means you saved money buying a gift for someone else.  And if you want to cut down on consumption for Christmas don't donate something and then buy another mediocre gift.  I know you know someone who wants that crystal picture frame and bottle of Plumeria lotion that I waited in line on Christmas eve to buy.  Just kidding my gifts are always perfect so no one ever has to regift mine I'm sure.  If you do just lie to me.  That's the best gift you can give me: a false sense of satisfaction.

6. Ace Hardware is the absolute best place of Christmas decorations. I swear. 
Red vest love.  You know you want it. 
They didn't pay me to say that but I wish they would.  Forget Pottery Barn or your hot tub store that turns into a seasonal decor store or any place else. Their shit is the awesomenest.  I’m talking gorgeous hand-painted glass ornaments, relevant tree trends if that's your thang, a smorgasbord to fill all of your glitter needs, crafting supplies, whatever your little heart could desire. Normally I start stalking their department before Christmas like a lion stalking a gazelle and when the price is right I pounce like a cheetah. Wait… I’m mixing my felines. But lemme tell ya it’s like the animal kingdom on December 26th there – every woman with a glitter fetish within a 10 mile radius comes in.  I’ve seen women come to blood over the last peacock feather. (That bitch had it coming...) We leave with buggies full. Buggies I tell you. 

7. I'd like to make a Public Service Announcement to all gay couples living together: get shorter names.  Writing TWO names on your Christmas card envelope seems like no big deal but if all your friends are gay couples this can take quite awhile.  I need to start addressing envelopes in July. Or I'm just going to pick the one who's nicest to me and address it to him.  Start sucking up now guys.
Not gay dudes just Flight of the Conchords from here.  I just wanted to post this picture really bad.

8. When I was younger we used to make orange and clove pomanders to hang around the house like these:
Gawd I love that scent.  I tried to make some a few years ago but I stopped after about 4 cloves because those little fuckers are like daggers cutting into my delicate skin and bleeding really ruins my Christmas spirit.  So 20 lbs of clementines and $40 of cloves later I was left with hurty fingers and a house that did NOT smell like the intoxicating citrus musk of a Christmas angel.  Apparently I was invincible as a child because I don't remember that pain at all.  Or I made my parents do it... Seriously, I would suggest getting some kevlar gloves and making these for your holidays because destroyed fingertips aside they are awesome and make Santa jizz his pants.  Or you could buy a candle.

9. If you're not going to make pomanders because you're a lazy bastard you should at least decorate for real. None of this:
You need to get a big green tree and glitter the fuck out of it.

10. As a matter of fact, glitter is the reason for the season.  Spending all this extra time with family around the holiday forces you to remember all the reasons you avoid them the rest of the year.  You know what helps?  SPARKLY THINGS!!!  Squueee!!!  Christmas is everything I live for - tacky displays of shiny things used to mask disappointment.  Need more hugs from mommy?  Throw some more fucking tinsel on that tree!  Didn't get that job?  Make a wreath with some plastic flowers!  Deadbeat dad?  Rub some glitter in that wound!  OMIGOD IT HURTS BUT IT'S SO PRETTY!!!  You're supposed to go over-the-top for Christmas to offset the crushing lows in your life.  Hoarders has taught me things = enthusiasm.  Make it good and tacky.
Somebody's hurting on the inside.  Let's be friends!

Pretty sure I know this lady.

11. In related decor-meets-psychoanalysis information, wrap your gifts nicely because I totally judge you on it.  Don't fuck it up.  If you can't be bothered to NOT put my gift in a plastic grocery bag there's probably not the thing I most want in the world in there.  Oh you didn't have time?  Thanks asshole.  My favorite thing to do is present perfectly coordinated bundles of paper and ribbon.  If we're being honest, wrapping usually reflects more about the wrapper than who's receiving what's wrapped.  I like to use glorious wrapping to make you feel shame in your lazy wrapping - the bigger the bow the more I'm passive-aggressively letting you know that I dislike you.  Unless I really do like you and you get a big bow so I can show you my love.  Or because you're the type of shallow person who judges me based on the size of the bow on your gift and then I'm going to give you the biggest best bow this wire-edged ribbon will create.  Really everybody gets big bows and fancy wrapping you just have to decide what message I'm trying to convey with it.  

12. Have fun.  Or drink til you do.  This kind of fabulosity only happens once a year.  Pardon me this week while I frolic in fake crafts and completely real glittertastic cheer.  It smells like musky Christmas angels.  Yum.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

We got a great big connnvoooyyyy, Ain't she a beautiful site.

Leave it up to tumblr yet again to bring the good stuff.  I like to go to Convoy for a manly dose of pictures without all that stupid commentary.  Seriously, who do these people think they are going on and on with their insanely witty remarks and touching life stories as they relate to design??! 

Convoy is a blog of Scandanaviany things where hipsters dress in scruffy layers

and paint everything in white

Carry lots of things

While in booties

And look at a lot of bike porn.
There.  I just summed up the entire blog.

I can only go to Convoy every once in awhile because although I like a good repetitive image dump of industrial country hipster chic, I reach my fill after a few pages.  And then the snark starts bubbling up.  I try to hold it in but I'm only human people!  But having a blog like that with obvious themes would make Christmas shopping sooo much easier.  "Well it looks like Convoy is still loving satchels this year..."  I should totally do that to selfishly ensure exactly what I want for birthdays and holidays but I'm not sure if a blog filled with pictures of pretty colors, unicorns, french fries and retro junk is really going to bring in the readers though.  Wait... did I just describe THIS blog???!!  Fuck.

Have I blogged this before? I can't remember. It deserves a repost.


Can I get some more bark in here?

Crocheted owl pillow on TOP of fur?  You could not get anymore indie rustic than this room unless Chloe Sevigny is skinning a deer right out of the frame.

I could work there.

or lounge there...

or read there.  I'm happy to see someone embrace their paperbacks. 

Oh Karlstad...  I like it when I see other people living with the same kind of shit I live with - cheap furniture and messy piles.

I bet I could TEAR. UP. some stores like these.  If I could afford them...

At first glance I kinda dug this space because I'm a sucker for a chandelier and then I realized heeeyyy... wait a minute...  Painted wood floors in a bathroom?  With a shag rug on top?  And giant rusting shelves next to a leather chair... How bout some sheers that puddle in the floor too?  WTF is going on in this BATHROOM??!!  If I could build a bathroom I'd make it so I could just hose the entire thing down (courtesy of a big drain in the floor) when it needed cleaning and try to avoid things that rust, mildew, attract water damage or soak up all the Aquanet I spray to set my bouffant. 

But sometimes I don't want to think about hitting my head on that ceiling every time I get in and out of bed, I just want to nap there.  Sometimes I just want to put on my disheveled layers, load up my vintage satchel (it's a Bi-Lo shopping bag), hop on my bike and be this girl

What's Scandanaviany for YES PLEASE??

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's all fun and mood boards now! The tears will come later...

Jesus finally made it rain all over the ModernSauce Ranch (literally and figuratively) because after an almost 6 month long search I actually have 3 legitimate bids from legitimate contractors for the hellhole kitchen remodel!  I cry tears of glitter.  I'll be going over the whole process in agonizing detail with you later but right now I'm compiling each bid into a master spreadsheet so I can compare apples to apples.  I didn't think to create a template BEFORE and hand it to each one requiring them to fill out each applicable section but I'll do that in the future because that is the most genius idea ever and I know they would have absolutely zero problem with that.  Based on the bids I've received on post-it notes, word docs and random "formula" sheets these fuckers need all the help they can get.  I can't wait to see their faces when I hand them this template when it comes time to do the bathrooms...  Guys like that LURVE having girls like me tell them how to do their jobs better!

So while I'm crunching numbers and selling my last bit of plasma to make this remodel happen I thought I'd share a mood board of what's rolling around in my head.  Also because you have to be dead on the inside to not love a mood board.  Feel free to comment and ridicule as you please but I might completely ignore your expert opinion OR steal your idea and not give you any credit.  It just depends on your idea.  This mood board also goes out to all the asshats who, upon learning of my kitchen remodel, immediately respond with "oh what color are you painting it?"  Trick please.  I could give a fuck right now what color my walls are.  I'm more concerned with whether or not I'm going to have a new ceiling and calculating CFM value for my range hood based on a complicated algorithm of whooshing noises, counting on my fingers and a case of wine.  You know, important things.

So here you go.

ModernSauce Kitchen

This is the world's most boring mood board for the world's most awesomenest kitchen.  I wish you could add sparkle and shine and an aura of fabulosity but sadly technology is way behind in this area.  GET ON IT OLIOBOARD!!!!

So I think we've already established that I want white cabinets with a few glass doors.  Done.  I also want a black floor.  SHUT UP!!!  I know what you're thinking: "Madame you hate chores including but not limited to cleaning floors and Charlemagne shed her glitter pelt at least twice a month."  Well you're right but I don't care because if I know anything it's that buying new things will completely change your personality for the better so I know I'm totally going to turn into that Pine Sol lady after the renovation .  And I already bought the tile about two years ago...  And we can't forget about the Venuto!!  Now he's just languishing in a closet.  Waiting...  Soon, my precious.  He needs something shiny to hang out with so maybe some globe pendants with chrome accents.  And I don't know what kind of countertop I'm going with but that tile and stone sample in the corner probably ain't gonna be it no matter how much I dry hump my computer screen.  Quartz is a cold and heartless temptress that costs bajillions of dollars.  

I forgot to add all the crap that'll be living on my counters like toaster ovens and boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and half empty bottles of wine, etc...  I'm just kidding.  Those bottles are all empty of course.

And for all you people that are just dying to know what color I'm going to paint my walls the best I can give you right now is beigey.  Deal with it.

Thanks to K for the Olioboard tip! 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Polly Wreford via Whorange and Bedlam of Beefy and a billion places on the internet because this staircase is so gawddamned awesome it should be retweeted and reblogged until your eyes fall out. 

I've choreographed a dance routine for ascending and descending the stairs - whichever suits your needs at the time - but the both involve a top hat and lots of jazz hands.  You can add glitter if you want but the stairs sparkle so much it might be too tacky.  I think we can all agree that when you are sashaying up mirrored stairs in your top hat and Burlesque stage makeup the theme should be subtlety. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

When the Universe rains, ride a rainbow of fabulosity to denial.

So I came home one day last week to this:

Ok that's not my house.  But my roof was in fact leaking and water was pouring into my guest room.  Gawdammit. 

Technically it was my fault because months ago the same spot starting leaking after the worst rain and floods in 75 years.  But after that little incident it didn't leak anymore despite numerous storms so I blamed it on the record-breaking weather.   Ok it was probably totally leaking in the attic but I couldn't see it so therefore it doesn't exist.  I was just going to hold out til AFTER the kitchen remodel when I get my tax returns back because fuck I just want a new kitchen!  But NOOOOO the universe was all "Look bitch get your priorities in order and take care of this shit becuase I want to completely decimate your entire savings in one swoop." 

However the universe works in mysterious ways.  I'm a lucky madame.  I'm like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry explains how he always breaks even.  So do I.  But with more fabulosity.  For instance the guest room where the waterfall happened has actually been a junk pile for months and the day before the storms I cleaned it up and put a rug down.  The rug actually sopped away the majority of the water like a biscuit with gravy so the damage to the wood floor was lessened.  Well that and the mattress and bedding absorbed a lot too.  I'm sure it'll just dry out...  Those floorboards won't though.

So in addition to the constant nervous acid reflux in my attempt to find a kitchen contractor I was feeling pretty shitty the next day about my new struggle to get my roof fixed (and the zit that I may or may not have had...) when lo and behold Twitter comes to the rescue! (doesn't it always?)  The clouds parted and a rainbow of sparkling warmth appeared and at the end of it sat this:

BAM.  I was fortunate enough to win this snazzy Tattoo End Table courtesy of Modenus (@Modenus) via Snug Furniture (@snugfurniture) and Maybelline Te of Frou La La  (@maybellinete).  It's like the universe was extending her tattooed hand in a peace offering.   

Seriously, it always works out for me.  I lost my main makeup bag (yes there are multiple ones) over a month ago (would have helped hide that zit better) but I wasn't worried - in fact I just found it!!!  It turned up in my refrigerator, naturally.  Guess I should clean my fridge out more often...  Actually I had to buy over $100 of makeup to replace what I thought I lost and now I have double everything except all the old stuff smells like onions and actually this is really a horrible example of good things happening to me...  

Ok maybe the universe hates me.  But at least I have nice furniture.  Let's hope nobody rains on it. 

Or I accidentally put in in my refrigerator.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Harmonious rebellion

No matter how hard you try you can't seem to get away from me anywhere you go on the internweb!!  I wrote a guest post yesterday for the architectural blog of fabulosity the place of dreams

The madame of that blog asked me to write about harmony so naturally I wrote about discord because I'm a rebel.  But then I found a fun video that perfectly illustrates harmony and I probably should have written about that instead but it really doesn't need a lot of words and see previous sentence about being a rebel.

It's like dancing sheets of music and architectural blueprints and rainbow colors and omigawd these should totally be animated!  I don't think AutoCAD can do that...

Stills from the artist:

I want this one.  In a 4 foot print...

No wait...  this one.

Ok maybe 3 of these.

It's like James Cameron's The Abyss introduced to the purple Matrix by Stephen Hawking's version of Avatar.  I don't even know what that means but it sounds pretty awesome.   

Check out more more videos and buy prints and wallpapers at Complexity Graphics.  Or not if you're a rebel.