Monday, May 30, 2011

Putting the 'Vegas' in Chattavegas.

Nothing says thank you to our troops and veterans like buying a shit ton of towels on sale so naturally I wanted to do my part.  So I was in the mall - my first trip since Christmas I think - just long enough to notice we now have a Forever 21 which is a pretty big deal.  Chattavegas is obviously moving on up in the world as evidenced by the metroplex of cheap tweener clothing (which I may or may not have ventured in because I'd never been there before.  For the troops and all...).  Once I had my fill of unnaturally tiny shorts on 14 yr olds and pretzel bites (seriously, I was full because that shit is delicious) I went to someplace outside of the mall that didn't make me question our future generations.  Also, the shoes I wanted weren't on sale.  It's like you hate America, Dillard's?????  

I went to my comfort zone and browsed some furniture instead.  Chattavegas has 1.35 good stores for home stuffs and that's if you include the Ashley Furniture Store of Death and Horror.  The one fun place is a salvage warehouse that has cheap random coolness from time to time.  Just witness:
Well damn!  I think you might be lost mirrored console table because this is the shiniest thing Chattanooga has seen since I added 'vegas' to its name!  I don't know if I love you or hate you but I feel like no one can appreciate your fabulosity in this city like this Madame.  The ModSauce Ranch is a safe place for tons of other wacky shit that needed a home so you'd fit right in.  Kinda...  

I mean, hellloooooo?! 
Put your paws up for Armani
Oh you're $300??  

I'll wait for you to go on sale.  

To honor the troops.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm an equal opportunity color lover. Except for the ugly ones.

This week the Let's Blog Off gang wanted to know us bloggers' favorite colors.  Um... helloooo???  All of them!  I don't discriminate on color.  But some I just like more than others.  Specifically these:


And totally different from sparkly is glittery.


via Kathryn Wells


via Desire to Inspire

Smooth AND warm

via Busy Being Fabulous

Arthurite with Pharmacosiderite

Unnaturally ugly
Alex Steckly via Booooooom

Seriously.  I strongly dislike these colors.  The weird thing is I hate them so much I kinda like them now.  That's usually how it works with me.  The colors that make me most vomitous will end up being my favorite in six months.  It happened to me this year with lavender and I'm really scared I'm going to end up liking this colorway.

Misato Suzuki via Fly
It's everywhere!!  Ugh.  I need to try some reverse psychology to just go ahead and love this stuff up so I can get it out of my brain as fast as possible.  *shudders*

Check out the rest of the favoritest color entries here.  If anyone says peach and soft teal I might punch them.  Maybe hug...  I don't know.  

Monday, May 23, 2011

Eat, Pray, Pin.

via mint
This has been perking in my brain for a while because I was having some mixed feelings about it.  I probably really liked it a few years ago and would have looked at it in awe because damn that's a sweetly organized office!  But now - meh - and I don't know why.  I had to meditate on it, carb load using deathly large amounts of pasta and unclog my design chakras before I figured it out.  

from nice room via emma's design blog
I'm sure those shelves and shelves of magazine files and information are totally useful and so conveniently accessible but I figured out that I don't like that look because I think it's missing the point.  [MS sidebar: With the exception of back issues of Domino and Southern Living of course because you do NOT throw away those recipes y'all!  I once went to an estate sale where they had 30 years worth of Southern Living organized like the above picture.  I shed a tear.  It tasted like Confetti Corn Casserole.]  The point being, at a time when I would have squeed over the above images a person who hoarded the most amount of information was the the winner of the information media game.  That idea (and those rooms) feels gratuitous now which is weird because normally I love anything gratuitous.  Would you like more bacon on your Baconator?  Fuck yes.  *clutches chest*  However, now I think it's not about how much you consume but how smartly you can digest, process and organize information you receive and then how well you disseminate it that's more relevant.  

So buh-bye giant amounts of static info and hello to the new interactive information digestion!!  Yummy.  We don't just hoard information we FILTER it now!  Totally different.  (Not really.) 

*awkward segue alert*  

In comes Pinterest.  They've answered my bat signal with a place where I can consume filtered shit so I can process it and then disseminate it for further consumption and subsequent filtering by others.  It's the visual version of the human centipede circle of life.  Digital cradle to cradle, yo!  Really though, my pinboards are just the staging ground for all my blog posts where I can organize my brain rather than having to pull out every damn magazine file and search through 30 years of Southern Living for that one casserole recipe.  Now all my junk is in a happy little digital cloud somewhere up in internet heaven so when the Rapture comes (again) all my shit will already be up there.  

I really hope someone got that lame cloud/heaven pun...

So if you're interested in seeing what I hoard digest or want to follow me it's mostly interiors. Upon review it looks like mostly those interiors come from Head Over Heels so maybe you should just read her blog which you probably do anyway.

But if tulip tables aren't your thang (are you dead inside?) and prefer architectural-y outsides I have a board for that too:

 And one for patterns I dig:
Gunta Stolzl via But Does It Float
I have over 1000 pins right now so if you want to follow me for funsies you're welcome to but the best (and worst) stuff will usually make it over here to the Sauce anyway.

Sometimes I pin just color:
Thomas J. Abercrombie from National Geographic
So far Pinterest has yet to answer my new bat signal for creating mood boards like if Olioboard had a lovechild with the software from Minority Report but hey, a madame can dream.  

Sometimes I dream I'm all fancy like I actually read Vogue I'm interested in fashion and textile trends so I have a fashion board:
via Fashion Gone Rogue

In reality I like to wear pants and pretend my thighs don't touch and pin things I'd actually wear like this::
I'm not really a fashion person but I'd rock those faster than they can make an Elizabeth Gilbert book into a movie.  When you see shoes like that you need to remember them FOREVER!!  Pants not necessary.

I also have a board I've so cleverly called "Things that make me go OH" where I pin things I fantasy shop for:
Cat Chair by SerraydelaRocha via Design Milk

Sometimes just inspiration for whatever:
Madeleine Soder via Number 19
That is pin on a digital board of a picture of an actual pinboard.  The internet just exploded.

In this new age of processing, EVERYONE'S - dare I say it? - a curator so not surprisingly there is a large amount of Pinterest dedicated to cupcake porn, wedding hairstyles and bible verses in sassy fonts and photoshop filters and that stuff makes my stomach hurt so I don't follow that.  If you like that kind of thing then pin the fuck out of all the hair bows that make you squee but I won't follow your boards like that either.  Don't blame me, it's the nature of the filter.

So all that was a convoluted way of saying things feels different to me, I don't really know why, I like bacon and Southern Living and Pinterest and would recommend it to you too.  

However, they might be using all my pins to establish some sort of government file on me or start "predicting" things they want me to pin and so they can control what I filter and buy...  pinning precogs JUST LIKE IN MINORITY REPORT!!!  Maybe this is all a horrible idea...  

In the meantime, I may not like cupcake porn but every now and then a different kind of deliciousness filters through my dash like Alan Rickman.  *clutches chest*

I gotta go take down my bat signals...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Your Journey to the Sauce

Knowing about this blog is kinda like being in a secret club because it's really just you, me, your mama and a few random Google bots reading this.  We should develop a secret handshake (double high five then *middle fingers pointing to crotches*??) and make soap out of stolen human fat or something.  

Our headquarters.  Here.
So as you could imagine I don't get a lot of traffic about how to design a room or about picking fabric for pillows because I don't really know how to do either of those things and I make up a lot of words so unless someone has Vulcan mind-melded with me they're really not gonna get here without the secret handshake or fate.  Or if your mama tells somebody.  But every now and then a stranger happens to make their way to the Sauce.  I've kept a running list of the search terms people have used to get to this blog because this shit is crazy.

And no, I'm not making any of these up.  All ripped as is from my analytics.  Enjoy.

I'm the first result.  I guess this is from a song I just had no idea I'm huge with the Limp Bizkit crowd.

"Pretty women fuc animal"
From Iran.  If that makes it better or worse.  He searched a long time because I think I was on page 25ish... Still pretty gawddamn disturbing.  And also dum because in porn the pretty girls don't fuc animals they fuc the blac dudes.  I guess - I don't really know, of course, because I'm classy. 

"vagina best results"
If you're looking for "results" I think you're approaching it from the wrong angle.  I'm also the first hit which is probably misleading for a lot of nerdy young boys.  Mongolia is still really damn awesome, though.

Seriously, y'all - it's not like I'm picking the zaniest search terms, these are the ONLY search terms.  But now I think reeeaaalllly hard about everything I google because when I type in "redneck dolphin unicorn sex party nachos tshirt" someone will actually SEE that and make fun of it on their blog.  The internet never forgets.     

"what are the modern sauce"
Actually they're a reggae ska band who didn't bother to google potential names before they named their band.  Or maybe they did and didn't care.  I'm not really worried because I bet they'll be broken up within a few months.  It's ska for chrissake...  But remind me to trademark some shit asap.

"madam fucking our worker" 
Sorry to hear that.  Or maybe it's a good thing...??  I don't know.

"ffffound dildo fridge"
*confused face* That sounds cold...

For my True Blood mood boards - I'm the second entry right after the urban dictionary definition.  I feel pretty proud about that!  Also, I think it's time to make some new mood boards.  Suggestions??!!

"PlushCats, madame saucey"
No clue but after seeing the plushie episode of CSI I think I'll pass.  I'm number 2 on the list of search results though.  Number 3 is the Plush Cat Club who are a group of plus size lady babes who are photographed next to cars and such.  Well, hot damn.  

"Income Property hgtv fake hair"

"chalkboard wall bad for health?"
Yep.  #1 result.  My make believe science is dangerously close to actually being taken seriously.  Honestly I'm just happy someone googled that rather than the "cool chalkboard wall ideas" bullshit that I normally get.  Put down the chalkboard paint, y'all!   

"the circle of life for kids"
Are you trying to teach kids about the circle of life (duh, just put in Lion King) or trying to find out if there IS a circle of life for them because that's kinda mean...  Unless they're annoying

"why can't horse be ridden hard and put away wet"
fuc if I know.  Relive the horsey magic.

"Everytime Malcolm Gladwell blinks a unicorn dies"
ahahahahahahaha!  What...?  

"pantone colors assholes"
Preaching to the choir, buddy. 

"Honeysuckle Pink sucks ass"
First result.  Awesome.  I think it's a movement.

"Kraftmaid Huntington door"
I'm on the first page - Kraftmaid you might want to look into that...

"madam sunday kitchen"
Hey somebody actually searched for ME!  Look out "naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson" because I'm moving up the web ladder!

"male prostidute mama cell no .com"
There are FOUR results.  Period.  I'm number three.  WTF?  (MS sidebar: I'm totally calling male whores prostidudes from now on)

"madam steed alcohol"
That sounds disgusting.  But mix it with some cranberry juice and I'll probably drink it. 

"ceramic tile with miller high life design"
I need to find this tile immediately and then write a whole post about it...

I bet they were really disappointed.

" "cleavage" "transfixed" "
Also probably disappointed...  I need to seriously reevaluate my blog direction because I don't know what the hell is happening.  It's getting ridickilous and oh I just figured out what the problem is...

"designers cliches on sale"
Just wait a few months and they'll be at Tuesday Morning.

"why do my bushes smell like a dirty dog"

"how to artfully arrange bookshelves"
Heeeyyy someone did need helpful information!  Too bad they landed on boobs on tha floor.

"schools are failing our children"
Since I am the 4th result thanks to my post about kitchen budgets where I illustrate how schools are indeed failing our children I think this means that the internet is obviously failing to provide adequate results.  

Welcome to the world wide wacky web.  Thank your mama for me.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

27% closer to be 100% shithole free.

Now that the MS Ranch has a fancy new kitchen, I'm well on my way to living in a house that's not 100% shithole.  Unfortunately this is like 53% of my angle for this blog and if I start losing that I'll have about 71.4% less funny fun times to tell you about and omigawd all this math makes my brain throw up.  I guess I'll have to focus on the other rooms of my house that are still pretty shitty because if I'm not the bumbling underdog of home improvement and design I feel lost.  LOST I TELL YOU!!!

So here are two homes that I can still feel totally justified in wishing I living in.  First up is this place in NYC.  I think it's like two years old but it's new to me and that's all that counts!

I'm not really sure what else is in this room because I haven't been able to quit staring at the light fixture by Lindsey Adelman.

Update: Apparently Lindsey is a badass and tells you how to make your own light fixture here.  I recognize it from The Brick House now...  Seriously, where have I been?!  Thanks to Raina for the info!

Office?  Library?  Are they playing Risk: The Game of World Domination in there?  Probably all of the above.  That's what smart and rich people do.  I think you get smarter just by visiting there.  And more stylish.  Even that dog is cooler than me. 

via Interior Divine
I do rather love an ornamental fireplace surround...  But I'm not really sure all those pictures actually came from the same house but I like them and since I'm pretending I live there I'll just pretend they are.

On the other side of the world in Melbourne is another place I'd like to pretend I live.  Ok I think it might be the art...
Or possibly it's the charcoal couches.  But it's not those damn wandering stools, that's for sure.

Yep - I think it's the art.  Artists are so selfish with their charging thousands of dollars for all the hours and hours they spend on their work.  What about us poor people, you stingy creative types??!  I blog which is free to read because I CARE.   

Even their kids rooms have nice art.  They also have sunflowers which makes me have horrible flashbacks to Clinique circa1993 but I can overlook it.   

The messy bed is a nice touch.  I'd wake up to that every day.

via The Design Files
They're all like 0% shithole.  Maybe if I don't have real art I can just hang giant flattened cardboard boxes with some graffiti on them that I get drunk bored one night and create.  I also don't have stunning windows or architectural details or thousand dollar light fixtures but I DO have the board game Clue which is like Risk for poor and dumb (but fun) people.  That plus the kitchen means I'm 27% closer to being 100% shithole free.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My brain doesn't like all this post-kitchen free time. It'll only lead to trouble... with ninjas.

Now that my kitchen is done, I can't remember what blogging was like before I spent my entire existence having nightmares about being molested by a guy eating potted meat sammiches and writing about picking out garbage disposals.  I know you'll miss those days too.  

Right now I'm kinda rudderless in the giant see of interweb fabulosity.  Honey badger don't care.  So here's a potpourri of inspirational thingies courtesy of Simply Pi to spur me in a new direction to obsess over.  Obsess in a totally healthy way of course...
I could spend some serious time in here obsessing about shit.  

I would like to eat lunch on that little overhang of awesomeness but I'm pretending not to notice the photoshopping in the grass because I think we know what I would like to do to lazy sonsabitches graphic designers...


I should probably know what all of these are but I don't so you can follow the caption links to investigate.  I DO know that is the most awesome fire escape/wheelchair ramp/3d maze of death I've ever seen.

Spider by Alexander Calder here
Ok technically the kitchen isn't 110% done because I'm still trying to decide whether or not the 1200 cans of diced tomatoes need to go on the second shelf or the first shelf in the pantry.  I spend a lot of time obsessing about this actually.  Also, I need to quit fucking buying cans of diced tomatoes.  Seriously.  It's like looking at the Extreme Couponing stockpile hoard except I paid full price for this stuff because omigawd what if I don't have diced tomatoes at home?!  I better stock up NOW!

Where I wish all of my book club reading super cool hipster poetry reading would take place.  After I kick those dam pillows out of the way...


I would fight a Honey Badger for that chair.


I'll add it to my collection of pointless round things.  I'm pretty sure you can't actually make a rudder out of roundness but I would make a healthy attempt.

I would find a way to trip and kill myself on those stairs but I'd enjoy every bone snap on the way down.

Um... those are throwing star magnets and quite possibly the most awesomest thing I've ever seen.  I might have found my rudder.  And it'll cut a bitch.

Monday, May 9, 2011

"How many exclamation points are allowed in a post title?" otherwise known as "I HAVE A KITCHEN OF AMAZING AWESOMENESS"

I don't even have a witty or relevant opening paragraph to this post so just LOOK AT IT!!!!!

I'm a photography idiot so just enlarge for maximum awesomeness.
Before we squee ourselves out too early here's some never-before-seen pictures from when I first moved in!  Take a big swig of wine, bless yourself with a dusting of glitter and spritz of Febreze laced with Candice Olson pheromones and brace yourself.
For all that is holy and full of bacon, THAT SCALLOP!!  *shudders*  I can't even remember why I bought this place...

It certainly wasn't the stove because it was the filthiest thing I'd ever seen (or smelled).  We drug it out to the back patio and put it out of its misery.  The smoky glass corner shelf was a nice touch though.

And then this was the day of demo just a few short weeks ago.  Ahh memories.  Looks worse than the pics above but in person it was actually better.  Well, it smelled better and your eyes didn't have grease stains.  


But back to present day fabulosity:

Night pics = drama.  Also, I was busy and shit during the day.  Counters not really yellow either but see note about photo idiocracy above.
I'm not gonna lie - I'm really happy.  Sometimes I'll just be walking down the hall and see the kitchen and be like "DAMN!  How'd that sexy kitchen get in here?" and bask in some awesomeness for a second or two and then keep walking.  It's energizing.  Kitchen is the new crack.  Or meth depending on what part of the country you're from.

Charlemagne is slightly pissed that her food bowl has been moved twice in two months.  Apparently she doesn't appreciate Kitchen and the floors as much as the rest of us.  Get some design sense, already!!!

And speaking of the floors:
This is the corner of Kitchen looking in as you're standing at the entrance to the hellgate.  The way all that lines up makes me tingly.

Have you hugged a kitchen designer today?  Nick I love the cabinets on this entire wall - you did awesome.
Because I've run out of kidneys and eggs to sell for money most of my appliances are remaining.  Honestly I don't hate Mr. White Stove since there's so much white in here so until science figures out a way for me to spontaneously grow new body parts for the black market he'll just have to make nice with Mr. Sexy Hood.  In related stove news, not having an actual countertop on either side of it for such a long time makes this setup feel like I'm living in some kind of fantasy castle of luxury where I cook in a mink stole and can set bowls down on my left AND right!  Thus far I'm loving the wood (that's what she said) and can't imagine stone or a quartz in this space at all.  Currently it has about 4 applications of IKE-RA's own butcher block oil on it which surprisingly doesn't look like oil but instead looks like buttermilk.  Trying pouring that on your counters...  Weird.  
I think we just talked about birds (ahem...) but these were a Christmas present and I still like them so DON'T JUDGE ME!  But look: tile!!!  It's warm, it's cool and sometimes I like to pet it when no one is looking.  

Well hello Eva Zeisel dishes!  We'll talk about you more one day in the future but for now seeing you showcased like this makes me exceedingly happy.  However I'm still moving in and nothing is in its final place.  I started putting things in cabinets a few weeks ago but somehow the contractors managed to get sawdust INSIDE the cabinets even where they weren't working... Contractor magic.  Also, my cabinet stylist was busy this weekend (WTF?  Don't you know who I am??!) so I know he's going to take one look at my teacups and *eyeroll* and make them prettier elsewhere.  

Know what else makes me exceedingly happy?
Venuto FINALLY is in his home!  Venuto has been stuck in a closet since um... last summer when he came into our world.  He's a good sport.  And he's sexy as hell and totally pwns that sink which is pretty tough to do because have you seen that sink?!

Show that sink how it's done, Venuto.

That Magne-dock, lock and drop it technology rocks my world.  (I think I just found your new commercial deal with Huey, Brizo.  You're welcome.) It's like the soft close feature on my cabinets drawers but for faucets.  Us people of luxury in the 21st century can't be bothered with returning things to their rightful positions and rely on technology and faucet magic to do it for us.  Hey, I'm a busy Madame and thanks to Brizo for understanding my needs.

Good thing these drawers do have that soft close feature since they are stuffed to the max with NOTHING because I have so much cabinet goodness that I actually have tons of empty storage.  Better go shopping...

And look at all this space!  The microwave trim kit finally arrived after its journey through Middle Earth although not after a very harrowing ordeal in which I had to pick it up at the local FedEx hub located at the corner of Murder Ave. and Girl, You Do Not Belong Here Blvd where I had to be buzzed in through a cage, walk half a mile, go through airport security and then forced to talk to the guard for ten minutes about his potted meat lunch (because of the economy and all) eaten with the heels of bread (which he called toes) all in front of a giant industrial fan causing me to hold my hair out of my lipgloss with one hand and sign for my package with my other hand and - as elegantly as possible - tuck my skirt between my thighs so I didn't flash potted-meat man from the hurricane force winds behind me ONLY for the contractors to later tell me it didn't fit.  


I will fuck you in the face with potted meat if you don't put that gawddammed microwave in that cabinet you lazy sonsabitches.  Apparently that did the trick because magically 30 minutes later the microwave was snuggled in nicely.  It was either my threat or Nick's help... one of the two.

Taste the rainbow!
It's not all white and beige in here!  But those can stay nice and tucked away.

I do have a bit of a thing for ugly vintage dishes...  They just want a good home!!!!

Wheeeee!!!  More rainbow!!  To reduce paper consumption I made an effort to only use cloth napkins with meals last year but having 12 of the same pattern is so boring so now I just pick up a couple of whatever's on clearance at Anthro when I'm there.  I feel like you're looking in Kitchen's panty drawer...

And finally we have the pantry and existing Mr. White Fridge.   He doesn't quite fit the space which was designed to hold a glorious counter depth fridge one day when I can afford it but in the meantime welcome to the real world y'all where everything isn't HGTV perfect all at once.

When Mr. Counter Depth Fridge gets here this view will be so much better...
Can't forget airport runway lighting!

Gratuitous kitchen porn shot
Kitchen's getting sleepy from all this excitement...

The ModSauce Ranch doesn't look so mint green at night!  Pardon the blurry picture but I was taking this perched on my car door in my neighbor's yard in the middle of the night and people were starting to wonder (more than normal) but those two windows are the kitchen overlooking the corner of my street and everyone driving by can be blinded by the awesomeness of Kitchen since I don't have shades yet but that will be remedied shortly once the summer come and the afternoon sun will turn Kitchen into the hellgate again.  But for now it's breezy and making my neighbors jealous.  Or they think I've turned into a chef/exhibitionist...

Sigh...  It is done.  It's not perfect but I'm loving it so far - I think it looks like me and suits my house and my neighborhood.  And by "suits" I mean kicks its ass of course.  So thanks to Charlie Sheen (not really) Cupboards and Brizo and jeezus and the special people that have given me advice and all my readers and tweeps who've been supportive or at the very least laughed with me (at me?) during this process and omigawd *waves hand in front of face* I might cry so somebody punch me before I show you I'm a real human!  I've got more deep kitchen thoughts coming in the future about working with contractors and possibly even a guest appearance by my cabinet daddy, Nick, but for now this:

Sink, consider yourself dry-humped tonight.