Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Five Stages of Urinary Grief

1. Denial
Before I get on this flight I better chug 30+ oz of water because I haven't had anything to eat or drink this morning and flying always makes a Madame dehydrated.  It's only an hour and a half flight and even though I have the delicately sized bladder equal to that of a newborn kitten I'm sure it'll be fine!  My skin will thank me.

*one hour and twelve minutes later*

2. Anger
Christ on a cracker!  I miscalculated and they just turned on the fasten seat belts sign for our final descent and I think my bladder might explode.  I would have thought the fact that my vagina is completely numb due to the dangerous amounts of vibrations on this toy plane would have made this feeling less intense but I was terribly terribly wrong.  I cannot believe I'm so fucking stupid as to keep reading even when I knew I had to pee!!     ARRRHHHHH! *bladder throbbing*  It hurts, it HURTS... I fucking HATE these airline regulations!!!  Why do they discriminate against people with superhuman kidney function?  I didn't choose this I was born this way!  I will have a bladder pride parade up and down this motherfuckin aisle until you let me in that gawddamned bathroom!

*crazy desperation has officially set in*

3. Bargaining
Fucking distract yourself with something!  *turns to sleeping middle-aged businessman in the next seat*  What do you think would happen if I just reached over and grabbed his crotch while he's still sleeping?  It's such an intimate seating arrangement I'm basically sitting in his lap right now so it's not that much different... Would he flip out and call the flight attendant over or just let it happen?  I could just punch him instead...  What's likelier to get me off this plane to a bathroom faster?  If I go for the crotch grab and he just sits there then I'm fucked.  He's not wearing a ring so he's single which means I'd then be forced into a handjob on a plane because that's the polite thing to do.  Manners.  What if he reciprocated and grabbed MY crotch?  Ewwww!!!  What kind of person does that?!  I'd pee all over him for sure and although I'd win at the mile high club game that's just nasty.   But maybe he's gay which would guarantee that he would flip the fuck out.  But look at his that shirt he's wearing and the large quantities of ear hair - not gay.  I think my only alternative is that I punch him in the stomach so they'll land the plane faster to arrest me and therefore I can pee sooner.  Unless TSA is like that book I read one time about a Nazi that tortured a prim elderly woman by not letting her pee until she couldn't take it anymore and gave them information.  I would crack so fast...  

Dear baby jeebs in the manger, please don't let me become a airplane molester Nazi with an anger management problem that ends up in jail!  I will do anything! I promise not to ever drink water again.  In fact I will only drink my own urine because I believe in recycling because I love this planet so much, if you just get me to a bathroom soon... *squeezes*  I don't want to go to jail for being a pervert or by breaking in-flight regulations by rushing the front cabin!!!  I think you get the death penalty for that but I don't know because I never listen to the safety speech in the beginning...

*Thighs and back are cramping.  Hands and arms are shaking.  Breathing is shallow.  Silently whimpers...*

4. Depression
I'm going to drown in urine from the inside.  This is the end.  I will die.  I will die a humiliating death that will be tweeted all over the world.  URINE IS NOT THE KIND OF SAUCE I MEANT!  All this work and a Madame's legacy will be death by pee on a blogging trip.  No one will ever invite me anywhere again.  

Now we're just sitting at the tarmac.  I can see our gate.  I realize this is karma for some heinous crime I must have committed (possibly mind raping the guy next to me...?) because I'm a horrible horrible person.  A horrible person punished with the burden of a miniscule bladder.  I deserve this.  Now's a good time to take up cutting...

*becoming one with my shame*

5. Acceptance
Ok.  I'm here and I put myself here.  I can tap into my mindfulness training I received that time I read the back of that meditation book and just be in the moment.  You can make it.  One agonizing shaking cramping hurting bloated moment at a time.  We're taxiing to the gate in the slowest landing ever recorded in the history of aviation but we're so close I can almost smell the Cinnabon from inside the airport.  And if you can't make it and pee everywhere you'll just claim you have narcolepsy of the bladder. They'd believe you.  These people are strangers and they'll most likely just step over your crumpled body on the floor anyway.  Such is my fate.  I didn't like these pants anyway.

Briefly back to Anger...
Holy frozen peeballs lady, if you don't walk faster or get your fucking child out of the way I will punch you and your slow-ass baby in the back of the head, I'm fucking SWIMMING back here!!

omigawd, omigawd, OMIGAWD...!!!!!

I made it.  

Spiritual nirvana was reached.

No jail time.

*blissful urinary afterglow*

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Sunday Set: blogging for lazy people.

Watch me be a design blog for a hot minute:

I was so busy fantasizing about how awesome a courtyard would be (and figuring out where you would put the lawnmower) I didn't even notice the dude balancing a chair on his face.  I think that means you need some better tricks.

via yimmy's yayo

It's official.  Wolves = hipster bitch.  I swear I won't do it again.

Yes, human beings it is.

here.  I'm just linking to my own Pinterest because I'm lazy.  Sowwwwy.


I think I'm in a pool mood.  I can't wait to trash it up with my floaties and jumbo cooler of beverages while I listen to the Fresh Prince's Summertime on repeat!!!!  Drums please! 

I also thought I was in an open door kinda mood until I saw this:

Um yeah...  The roof lifts off.  For launching rockets.  Or werewolves.  Or peeing under the light of the new moon.  It's like a big 'fuck you' to skylights everywhere.
*wall hugs*

You know how you have places that you know you would live in if you were you but a different version of you?  Yeah, that.

Nevermind.  THIS is the place I'm going to living in my alternate universe life.  Hellloooo - it has a hot tub in the sky!!!!  No need to lift the roof of anything because only jeezus can see you pee since you're so high up!  I don't know about werewolves but hopefully jeezus would help a sistah out should the need arise.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Appliance Park, 90210

So while y'all were busy last week trying to figure out who has the crazier eyebrows - Casey Anthony or Nancy Grace - the Madame was off doing glamorous things in Louisville because I'm a blogger and this is just what we do when we're not bingeing at home in our pajamas.  We binge in groups.  In public.  Possibly still in our pajamas.
Picture of the GE entrance which I totally stole from MEC alum Kitchen Clarity
Louisville, Kentucky is the home of hipsters with Southern accents, bourbon, horsies, something having to do with some sport I don't watch and the GE Monogram Experience Center.  Their appliance park is on campus that has its own zip code (sadly, it's not actually 90210) and restricted air space if that lets you know what kind of high level Madame you're dealing with now.  In keeping with my new classy status I didn't introduce myself with my *middle fingers pointing towards my crotch* so I don't think anyone knew who I was at first...

Two dozen designer and bloggers spent a few days learning about the Monogram appliances and were lucky enough to cook our meals on them in the test kitchens.  I just like saying 'test kitchen' because it makes me sound like a scientist of food awesomeness.

Magic happened here.  It tasted salty.
Of course, having several badass chef dudes there helping us cook our breakfast, lunch and dinner probably helped the end result but I can't confirm this.  I can confirm that the chefs' website has more flava than the scrumtrulescent local bacon I devoured while I was there and that's saying a lot.  Pork, yo.

for recipes we cooked and other goodness
There was enough stainless steel and good food to kill a lesser crowd but not a crowd of bloggers (see note above about bingeing).  It's 10 AM and we just talked about dishwashers so let's EAT SOME STEAK!!!!  Oh okay, I'm not even hungry but what the hell!  

Now it's elevensies and time for some pizza!  *om nom nom*

Omigawd I can't feel my face anymore...  

Do you want some cobbler?!  Um, I didn't say I couldn't feel my stomach so GET IN MAH BELLY!!  Just go ahead and sprinkle some more steak on top of that too, kthanxbye.

Not even a tornado could stop our fabulosity (it might have tried to pick me up but I was so full it probably was unsuccessful).  Seriously, there was a tornado our last night because natural disasters seem to follow me.  Sucks to be you, next-place-that-Expedia-emails-me-that-is-super-cheap.   

But it wasn't all salty hotness and dinner good enough to make you cry tears of curry sauce, I did manage to fill my brain with some goodies too.  One of my appliance porn highlights was the Advantium oven:
Initially I was unsure and eyeroll-y because I thought it cooked food like a convection oven but with the added benefit of microwaves, a tiny open fire pit, Superman's laser eyes and high-powered lights from my old EZ Bake Oven and I don't want your wizard magic near my food, GE!!  But since I've caught myself at least three times since I've been home thinking about how I could have used it for something I think we know who the real wizards are: people that can brown chicken in a Speedcook Superman microwave fire pit EZ Bake oven.

Highlight numero dos was the fully integrated refrigeration system (yes, we call it 'system' now) probably because my current 'refrigeration system' looks like this and theirs looks like this
yeah, those are fridges...
and it's like they were taunting me.  Am I in a fancy library closet or is there cheese in there because it's just so damn sexy I can't tell...???!

oh hai yummy things
I'm not sure if I'm allowed to have glass doors on my 'refrigeration system' because I can barely trust myself to put away my socks in the correct drawer let alone organize my all locally harvested organic produce (and jars of glitternaise) in a pleasing way so I might opt for the solid door.  Your call.

In addition to the appliance goodness, I was also excited to hear about the design process regarding each product category.  As someone who works as a designer in manufacturing I'm always interested in how other companies problem solve. I very much appreciated GE's willingness to share their process and was impressed with the thoughtfulness regarding their designs and their ability to, you know, actually follow through with them for their customers.  This is harder than it seems...  Having a facility like this at your disposal probably helps.  I need to get some 'test kitchens' for the ModSauce Ranch for further adventures in fabulosity rendering...  Glitternaise doesn't bottle itself, y'all.

So, many thanks to the generous folks at GE for their hospitality (MS sidebar: they did pay for this trip but they did not pay for this post which I'm thinking they might be grateful for...) and a special shout out to all the fine designers and bloggers I met who shared in "The Experience" as I now call it.  

I would dry hump you all but I'm a classy Madame now so just use your imagination.  

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Fairies are everywhere and probably want to marry you.

I'm back!  Let the mediocrity resume!  Here are the highlights from my vacation last week: I've somehow developed an obsession with crystallized ginger, I can now marry my secret lesbian lovah in NY (it's just Charlemagne - Santorum was totally right about that beastiality thing) and I spent most of last week in Louisville, KY at the GE Monogram Headquarters of Amazing Awesomeness.  The ginger is unrelated to Kentucky...

here but I'd like to know the real source if anyone ever finds out... : (
However I'm not spending my last several hours on vacation blogging just so you can have something to read on Monday morning because I'm not your gawddamned blog slave!!!!  I'll be spending my last few hours of vacation doing important things like eating ginger (it burns so good) and watching True Blood get all fairied up.  Or is it faed up...???  

So we'll be back to our regularly scheduled fabulosity tomorrow when I tell you all about my trip and we can talk about whether True Blood can actually bring the sexy like Game of Thrones.  If somebody doesn't have sessy times with a little person or dragon or a fairy (preferably all at the same time) in the first episode I think Game of Thrones might win this one...

Your move, Sookie.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Saucy tidbits

A smattering of things happening at the Ranch and in my brain lately:

I'm really like this staircase and kinda want to lick the paneling but in a totally normal way.
Tim Street-Porter Photography via The Rumbling
You can keep that lamp though...


Panty-creaming awesome news: Found out this week that the MS Ranch gets a new roof!!  The storms that rolled through our areas with the tornadoes earlier this year brought some serious hail.  I know because I heard it while I was sitting in the dark in my bathtub hoping the hail would be the worst thing I got - it was.  So insurance came out and was like "Dayum girl, your roof sucks!  Here's a new one." and I was like "Aww snap, show me the money!"  Now I have to find a roofing person and punch myself for talking like an asshole.

Obviously, in keeping with the rancher style of my home I'll go for something authentic and low maintenance like a thatch roof:


Unfortunately the mint green vinyl siding is in perfect shape because it's INDESTRUCTABLE!  


Anybody else as excited about this movie as I am?!

Oh, just me?!  Figures.  Yeah, I know it looks kinda terrible but it's got cowboys and motherfuckin NINJAS in it!!  And Geoffrey Rush?!  How bad/awesome could it be??  Ok it'll probably be pretty bad but I'll still force one of my friends to see it with me so I don't have to be the only girl in the dark theater with 4 other mouth breathers.  I shouldn't make fun... those are kinda my people.


I so love red right now.
Note to self: pretend like it's 1993 and buy some red lipstick that you'll only wear on a few Friday nights at home in your pajamas to make up for the fact that you're at home on a Friday night because only whores wear red lipstick that color out of the house.  Whores that I need to ask where they got their lipstick...


Next week this Madame is putting down the computer, packing up her bestest sweat pants and heading on vacation!!  But not a normal vacation where I lounge in an off-season priced beach condo that smells like the ocean's ass, I'll be going on a swanky vacation!  GE Monogram is flying a madame and some other bloggering people to Louisville, Kentucky for a few days for general fabulosity and to do top secret cooking stuff.  Well, I don't think it's top secret but I like the idea of going on a vacation AND being a secret agent of sauteing.

We'll be staying at the 21C Hotel which is all famous and stuff for being badass because it's a hotel AND museum rolled into one.  Like a pig in a blanket but more arty.  Equally delicious I'm sure.

photos via Design Milk
After I get back I'll be spending the rest of my week doing madamey things like watching marathons of Locked Up: Raw catching up on poetry reading and roasting chickens for the underprivileged (i.e. my friends).  So enjoy your week without me clogging up your internet with stupid tweets and dickalopes!  

Keep it saucy, y'all.  

The Madame and Nick tawlk about the kitchen, designers and Samuel L. Jackson movies...

MS: Heeeeyyyy....  Welcome to the Sauce Nick! Good thing you wear your sunglasses inside because otherwise you'd be blinded by the fabulosity here.  Also, I won't be able to tell when you fall asleep...

NL: Wait, are we on the air? I only wear my sunglasses inside at the airport. Wait... are we at the airport?

MS: We sure are, sweetheart.  We sure are.  So I know you juuuust saw the kitchen two weekends ago but do you recall the design process...?  Remember the whiteness, glitternaise, a lot of late night phone calls from me...??  Ring a bell?

NL: I absolutely remember. The folks at AT&T remember, too. They say glitternaise or not, we actually talked that many minutes. Just between you and me, I think that only preteen girls talked as much as we did. If I didn't pay the bill myself, I'd be waiting for an angry parent to scold me and ground me from my phone.

I'm glad that your kitchen is in though...  it's been a rough Spring for our area. I'm thankful that your home and ours were spared.

MS: Yes we are both very lucky, praise the White Witch.  And OMG LOL!! We totes talked a lot!!!!  But hey, that's what you get for telling me you had an open phone policy.  But at least I had the common decency to not call during the Super Bowl.  You're welcome.

NL: I'm just glad that AT&T isn't charging me for this interview. I'd have to send you another bill. Super Bowl? Have we been working on this for that long? Boy, how time flies when we're having fun?!

MS: Don't even front. You know AT&T doesn't have service in your area.  Do I need to get Donald Trump in here to verify our real contract date because I think we both know this project started in 1973...  I'm very thorough.  Also a time traveler.  But yeah, this was actually a LOT of fun.  Possibly illegal amounts of fun unless you live in Bangkok or something... 

NL: I think I'm out of witty comments so soon in to the interview. Next question, Oprah.

MS: Keep drinking...   I think the first thing we should discuss is how I came to work with you. I had already made some poor girl in an orange apron cry blood tears when she saw my pentagram floorplan but we were going to muscle through.  That seemed like the cheapest option for me because I don't know if you've read my bio up there to the right but I'm cheap and there's no way in hell I could afford cabinets from a fancy kitchen showroom like the fine establishment that employs you.  Do y'all install cabinets with your pinkie finger up?  After some blog comments/tweets we exchanged it was clear I was wrong though.  Tell us, oh Wise Cabinet Daddy, why other cheap-asses like me can afford to buy cabinets that don't come from a big box retailer. 

NL: Well dear, you're certainly not the first (or sadly, the last) person to incorrectly assume that the orange/blue or other colored box would be the least expensive option. Now with that being said, you CAN go buy cabinets at a home center for less than what you paid, but you'll be getting those awesome unfinished cabinets that are made from firewood and pallets by Kathy Lee's sweatshop children. All kidding aside, what most homeowners fail to realize is that they NEED a good designer. It may cost more up front than buying something that seems more "off the shelf", but the end result likely will save money. A fancy kitchen showroom shouldn't be intimidating... shop them, find someone that fits your personality and then start the process.

Most reputable kitchen designers are competant and capable enough of working inside a budget. You were fortunate for a couple of reasons: you had a budget in mind (most don't) and you ended up stuck with me. I love working within a budget!

MS: Fancy kitchen showrooms ARE intimidating (listen up fancy kitchen showroom people) since they don't seem too excited to slum/work with us non-corbel-mocha-glazed-lovin consumers.  So I was skeptical you could meet my budget (I don't know how people DON'T have numbers beforehand...) so the first thing I said was "me want cabinets for X" and you said 'done.'  And then you said you like to operate in a 'no bullshit zone' and my heart burst with unfathomable joy because I have ocean front property there.  And we had zero bullshit.  I thought the whole process was actually easy.  (At least the part dealing with you...)  Is that normal or is the No Bullshit Zone a magical place like Narnia that only few are privileged enough to visit?

NL: I like to think that my Narnia space is rare but it's how we roll. There are many designers that don't like to work within the restrictions of a budget or even a customer that has ideas of their own. Ultimately, my goal when approaching a project is determining whether or not that I can make a homeowner happy- not just with fitting in budget, but also allowing them to have the kitchen they wanted in the first place. 

With that said, it's not always that easy. Had you approached me with a kitchen that was triple the size of yours loaded with luxe appliances with the same budget, we would have had a couple of issues(don't laugh, it's happened). I think the bulk of the reason that you had so little resistance(real or imaginary) was because you brought realistic expectations to the table. That's not saying that because you felt beat down by the fancy kitchen people made it easy for us to work together. You knew up-front the scope of the project. That is 99ish% more than what most homeowners prepare. 

AND, if fancy kitchen showrooms want to stay in business... they need to recognize that there are still homeowners that want to spend money. If they're okay with turning down business, we'll happily do the work. 

MS: I like to keep it real!  And I don't like surprises so I'm a bit of a control freak but I'm insecure about it so I did end up calling you a lot to verify that yes indeed it WAS the most beautiful tile you'd ever seen on the planet of all time ever.  Sorry about that.  And sorry about that time I called after the sink fuck up where I threatened to slice my wrists with the butcher block scraps but I think we both know that was just a cry for help.  Designers who can't deal with budgets and half-hearted suicide attempts are just lazy.

So now that you saw the space IN PERSON (!) how does it feel? Different from only looking at the floorplans?  How much did you want to dry hump that sink?  What are your thoughts on pancakes with bacon?

NL: Lazy is right.

Calling a lot will never bother me. Again, it all goes back to expectations. I made myself available to you as a resource, but also explained that I'm a real person that doesn't live under my desk in the showroom and that you might call me at a time when I'm just not going to answer. No need for unrealistic expectations. 

I was quite happy to be a reassuring sounding board- I knew after our initial conversations that you would do a good job on choices of which I wouldn't be a part(any designer that can't let go of choosing some of the details needs to get a grip). I guess this is the appropriate time to apologize for sometimes just telling you to put on your big girl panties and deal with it (I'm really not sorry, you just needed some temporary empowerment).

The kitchen really felt like I knew it would. I think that some industry professionals have the ability to put themselves in the space without actually being there and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of it. It's a learned ability, in my opinion, and I honed mine as a child while looking at house plans with my parents(we didn't have comic books). Mom always said that she couldn't look at a house plan without first going through the front door, just as she would in real life. I can do that in my head... pretty cool, huh?

But back to the kitchen... I was quite happy to see the finished product. I wish I could have seen the hellgate, just for perspective. The sink rocks my socks in all sorts of ways. I'm surprised that you've been able to fight of the real estate listing agents who have been likely peering through the windows at it. 

Uhmm pancakes and bacon?! Nothing short of stunning! 

MS: I didn't choose you for your shallow niceties, I chose you for your stunning good looks, your saucy Julia Sugarbaker attitude and our mutual appreciation of pork.  AND your magical mind's eye for creeping around floorplans.  That did come in handy because I have just enough of a design background to be dangerous but I could tell that you knew your shit.  Have we had enough of the long distance lovefest?

Any other thing you might wish homeowners would realize about the process or tips for working with a designer (other than be like me - duh)?!  This is your chance to shout it from the rooftops!  No one can see you over here - it's like we're invisible on this blog.  Unless someone searches for 'Julia Sugarbaker sauce porn kitchen' and the chances of that are pretty slim.

NL: I have had a few ladies comment on my legs... I don't really like wearing long pants. 

My only tip for homeowners is to just try and forget ALL the fluff and muck you've heard from Home and DIY tv. Talk to a good designer and be forthright. Secrets won't get you a good deal or a fun project. Don't be afraid to ask questions, question designs, etc. A good designer will be able to explain reasoning and give you options to best utilize your space. 

It's like I told you Madame: I'm good, but I'm not magic. Understanding the potential roadblocks is a necessary evil, but cooperating with your designer may help ease/eliminate them.

MS: Who would win in a fight: Charlemagne or MC Skat Cat?

NL: Charley for sure... Skat is too busy trying to be a Paula Abdul backup dancer. 

MS: I'm sorry - I meant who would win in a fight between the White Witch Candice Olsen and David Bromstad?  And I'm not sure what you have against inspirational and crafty advice the likes of which you see on tv shows featuring Moroccan living rooms decorated for under $50...  Are you some kind of hater of good taste, you good taste hater?!!

Charlemagne will scratch your eyes out for calling her that, btw.

NL: Well, David could distract Candice by painting a picture of a southwestern sunset(shirtless, of course) and one of his tacky assistants could beat her down while she's under his spell... I'll go with David. 

And it was a compliment to Charlemagne. Tell her to watch Long Kiss Goodnight... if someone compared me to Geena Davis, I'd be thrilled! 

I guess I'm a good taste hater. Oh well. HGTV be damned. 

MS: You just blew my mind with that Long Kiss Goodnight reference - I squee for it.  Yet another reason why we were a match made in Southern-friend heaven.

I don't really know how to end this except to tell you that I'm planning on doing my bathroom remodel in a Moroccan theme with magenta and orange sponge-painted walls with lights made from used cans with holes punched in them in the shape of non-threatening Islamic patterns so you better get used to it.  Julia Sugarbaker would agree, I'm sure.

You get a twofer today!  Go check out Cupboards where I talk to HIS readers about the design process.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Richard Greaves via Stopping Off Place
Ooohhhhh...  squee so hard.

The only way that could get any better would be if the interior looked like this:
via Inner Believer
I don't know where these places are but it's the next ModSauce field trip.  Somebody be in charge of bringing the white cheddar popcorn and Sour Patch Kids.  I'll be in charge of the sauce!  

And by sauce I mean pomegranate vodka. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Blah, blah, blah, BANANA HAMMOCK!

Look!  Tile...
Puurrrty.  You can find it here but I think it's commercial and there are no prices so you can't buy it therefore just look at it and imagine grand walls tiled floor to ceiling in it. 

Seriously, that's all I got...  The blackness totally sold me.  

But so did the TurQWAZ!!!!

No definitely the blackness.

I don't really have a funny story to tell you in relation to these, I just really like when simple is done right.  And then you can repeat it over and over and over again.  It's like a visual squeegasm for the OCD person.  That's Obsessive Compulsive Designer type person.  Not that I'm that kind of person because that's totally weird and what freaks think about...  heh heh  *nervous laugh*

Oh here's a funny story! I was putting a magic spell on my house last weekend and...  ooohhh... you've already heard that one and I don't think it's helping my case at all.

Man, I'm emptier than... than... Sean Penn's loveless pitifull gaze towards Scarjo.  How was that?!  Anything?!  Yeah, me neither.

[Insert hilarity here]

I love it and I don't even like flowers.  I shoulda done a mood board or something.  

Hell that doesn't even need a mood board!  Lemme see if I can find something funny about it...

*scrunches face and digs deep into saucy well*


Well, that wasn't very productive...

I know just the thing to brighten this post up:
ZING!  Happy belated birfday Prince!  Not that you celebrate it anymore because you're a Jehovah's Witness.  And not that you would wear that "outfit" anymore either because see previous sentence about being a Jehovah's Witness.  But if he happened to show up at my door selling whatever it is that Jehovah's Witnesses sell (is it Scientology?) I would totally let him inside the Ranch to hang out a bit.  Bonus points if it's actually the tile above.  I would totally and non-ironically convert to the Tom Cruise fake religion if he was wearing that banana hammock too because the awesomeness of this poster next to the water heater is almost too much for me to handle.  I might also force him into my water heater closet to recreate this image no matter how much he cries and begs to be let out and complains about how loud Purple Rain is or how heavy the chains are.  Suck it up.  This is called marketing, people!!!!  Tile makers and Scientologists take note!