Thursday, March 29, 2012

Fifty Shades of Yes Please

Watch out for this mind-blowing way I'm going to introduce this blog post to you:

Since I've decided to tweak my dining room a bit I've had greys on the brain.

Unforgettable, right?!

Just like this wonky picture of my backsplash tile and vintage Haeger vase I got for $3 at a junk store (probably market value) that I'm using to illustrate my cheap, wonky vision to you, I want some black and white and grey and a hint of warm in the dining room.  With a sexy flair.  As if I could do something without a sexy flair, amiright?!  *eyebrow wiggle*

via Squirrel Hobbies
Although if I went a little post-apocalypse rocker chic with the grey I think that would be fine too.  I did dance around my kitchen very intensely to The Judds while making dinner so that makes me totally rocker legit.  Also, I need window shades...

This too because yes, I'm so urban.  As evidenced by my music selection.

Third jacket from the left is the fabric I want to reupholster my chairs.  A soft grey tweedy something of awesomeness. I'm not good with fabrics.  If it could smell like 'Urban Sunrise Manroot' that would be even better.

I got the sunshine covered.  Gonna have to work on the raw wood part...

Um... who threw that picture of my kitchen in there?  Good things those floors look easily cleanable because this room just reduced me to a big pile of wet.

These are more warm and black than grey but I threw those in because I want some industrial lighting for my patio out back.  I don't have furniture yet but minor details, y'all.  If anyone has any good options hit a Madame up otherwise I'm going to Target.

Not gonna lie, I fantasize about this haircut quite often.  However, I don't think it would really work with my Target cardigan I'll probably pick up when I'm patio light shopping.  I also don't think it would work on anyone unless you're the Asian equivalent of Lisbeth Salander which, if I was being completely honest with you, I'm not.


Hi my name is Madame Sunday and I have a suspender fetish.  I am powerless against it.  And I don't want to stop.  Unless stopping me involves tying my hands up with your suspenders in which case I'll be totally down for stopping...

Farmyard-Hilberbrink-Bosch Architects here
[MS Sidebar: speaking of sessy grey shit, I'm sure y'all have heard about this Fifty Shades of Grey book?  I knew it was BDSM erotica for the surburban set that's bananas popular right now and I was all 'high five' lady people!  But THEN someone told me it was Twilight fanfiction that became a book and told me the basic story and then it clicked - I've READ it!  I'm super pathetic and went through a fanfiction phase a few years ago - SHUT UP! - because obviously I needed waaay more filth than certain young adult books were bringing to the table.  Who knew I'm an early adopter of lady porn?!  Ok well, maybe we did know...]

Residence magazine via Nordic Design
I can't decide if I love or hate furs on wire chairs... but for now I say I'm fifty shades of yes please.

via La Maison d' Anna G

via The Black Workshop
Fifty shades of omigawd get in mah imaginary house.

quartz from here
I love this quartz image with the picture below...
via Greige Design
What the entrance to the ModSauce Ranch looks like in my head.  No wonder the mint green vinyl siding is always like a slap in the face when I see it.

from BZRshop
I can't get enough of these hombre tights this week.  I have calves like ham hocks (beautifully saucy ham hocks, of course) so I don't think I'll be wearing these ever but the grey fade with those shoes is killing me.  Softly.  Just like the Fugees song.

Office Supplies Incorporated via But Does It Float
I'm a sucker for collage.

Elle Decoration UK via Dressed for Men
And also a sucker for whatever it is that's going on this desk/office area.  Hot damn!  Just imagine how much more awesome this blog could be if I worked from there.  Someone rich should make that happen for me because I just spent all my money buying Mega Millions tickets.  

Actually...  maybe *I* could make that happen since I just learned the film rights to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy have just been sold and the author went from fanfiction writer to jizzillionaire...

Hhhmm....  *strokes beard*

If you'll excuse me, I have some chairs to reupholster and some, uh... writing to work on.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Yippee ki yay, butterfly chairs.

So have y'all seen this image about a jizzillion times?
If you're like me then yes you have and you've probably also repinned in about a jizzillion times too because hey, I can't keep up with the thousands of things I repin and sometimes I really really love something and DON'T BE JUDGING MY PINS!!

Just kidding, pins are always up for mocking.

So I decided to do a little research about the origins of such a glorious patio with its sun-dappled concrete slab of cantilevered panty-creaming awesomeness. Won't you be my forever Valentine?  

Except you, butterfly chairs.  I don't like you and you can be Alan Rickman and I'll send you plummeting to your death over the edge of that patio like in Die Hard which is a shame because Alan Rickman gives me a lady boner just like this patio.  I realize I might be alone on that part.  The chairs, not the Alan Rickman part.  I know y'all know what I'm talking about there.

Here's another view because I'm taunting you with my knowledge. via LA Times
It turns out that the patio of my wet dreams belongs to the interior of my wet dreams that is the home of architect Ray Kappe that I've also repinned about a jizzillion times as well: 
Zoinks! I love it when my Valentines come together for a threeway of architectural hotness!  

But wait, there's more!  We're turning this Nicki Minaj a trois into an orgy of modern sessy times.
How adorable are you, Mrs. Kappe?  Can I call you Shelly?  Let's hold hands and walk around the garden while you feed me homemade shortbread cookies and we talk about having sex in front of giant windows.  

Can we all just bow our heads for a moment in hornor of a nice modern house that is warm and looks lived in and not a place where angles go to die?  It makes me feel better about my tchotchkes.

LA Times
That's so weird, I think we have the same hood...  I appreciate that you read my blog, Ray, but let's try to not be so blatant with your stealing of my design sensibilities, mkay?

I think nooks and crannies like these are highly underrated.  Some serious napping would commence after I dry humped that concrete wall.  It's how I show my love.

Beautiful stairs of death.  We know I'm not really good with stairs lacking in handrails or anything that requires coordination or balance so I will have to scoot down these like a dog missing a leg or two but at least I'll get to admire all the fine detail up close.  

Oh hello, awesome courtyard.  Those rays of light must be the fingers of jeezus coming to tickle me while I have a picnic.  You can't buy jeezus fingers at Home Depot y'all.  

via LA Times
Fun factoid: the house was build on the side of hill on a natural spring.  When diverting the spring didn't work he just decided to float the house on top of it.  You're such a boss, Ray Man.

But it can't be all jeezus fingers and concrete lovefests:
via LA Times
Sigh... this is why you don't let architects be in charge of color and throw pillows.  Best to just stick with wood and concrete.  Hell, *I* should just stick with wood and concrete now that I think about it.

Shelly, I know everything in this bedroom is now an antique and should be preserved in the museum of "Get In My House" but maybe we could go on some retail adventures and buy some new pillows.  

It'll be my treat if you bring the shortbread cookies and let me move in with you and become your adopted 31-yr-old Madame child.  I'll just sleep in the nook and be totally happy forever and ever.  I won't even make fun of your other throw pillows, I swear...

All images via Selectism unless otherwise noted.
Must...  Not... Mock.  I love it like I love my Grandmother's collection of butterfly art which is to say lots and lots but only because she's old and family.

And since I'm going to be the adopted child of the Kappes then I guess these can stay too.  

But we'll have to have a long talk about the butterfly chairs...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

When thrifting, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Much like heroes and Hobbits before me, I've just started on a quest of Xtreme importance!  You can tell it's important because I spelled 'extreme' with an X.   It's a quest that your children will tell their children about around a holographic fire because it's a long time in the future and that's what future people probably do.  A quest - *over-dramatic gesturing* - to zhush my dining room.

Not that it needs it compared to the rest of my house that is lacking in oh, I don't know... lampshades or a stable floor.  Compared to that it's awesome in that it is fully functioning with a table and chairs and is ready for all manner of No Expectations parties.  In fact many No Expectations parties have already been held there with no one getting sick because of the drab environment which is totally a successful party by my low/no standards! 

But small tweaks are easier than stabilizing a floor so let's get our down to biznasty!

In addition to not wanting it to look like the Apartment Therapy house tour reject like it currently does, I want it to relate better to the kitchen.  That's that area off to the left that is soooo white next to the dining room that is soooo brown.  If I could type 'brown' with a frowny font I would.  

It has a really cool mid-century table which is one of the first pieces of real furniture I bought but it's super brown (frowny font) on the floor and I'm kinda over it.  I also have a shit ton of ugly chairs in there that I picked up at a yard sale for $20.  Hey, I needed chairs.  They all have chrome legs and it's like a couple of shiny octopussies are having the sex underneath the table.  I need to get rid of the "slum of legs" that's happening.  And the octopussy sex during dinner is starting to freak out my friends.  

I've got a rug that might jazz up the place and I could round up some wall sconces for better lighting... I would like a more modern white dining table that I could probably get on the cheap at IKE-Rah.  In my brain, these CB2 chairs:

would bring some of the grey from the kitchen into the dining room and the rooms could be better friends.  They want to be friends.  They NEED to be friends!  Also, a cushioned seat for my guests would be nice because I'm super concerned about their comfort.  The chrome cantilever still has SOME shine (my favorite color) and maybe it'll compliment the "Brno" chairs that I'd like to keep in there.  

[MS sidebar: I got these "Brno" chairs at a junk store for $15.  Yes, the PAIR!  They are covered in goat? deer? ewok?  And have been mauled by a bear in some parts but irregardless they were fifteen-motherfuckin-dollars, y'all.]

So this is my dream and will look perfect and cost no more than $12 in my worst case scenario, of course.

Fast forward a few days to me shopping at one of my regular thrift store-cum-homeless ministry last week when I ran across this:

Not the thrift store - that's my house as you can tell by the mint green siding.  I suck at unveiling a story through pictures... 
Zoinks!  Is that an upholstered cantilevered chrome set of four dining chairs that comes with a table that I don't even need or want?  Why yes it is!  I bet this came straight from someone's beige breakfast nook that sat next to some oak cabinets and almond appliances.  I'm really taking this past week's unintentional '90s theme and beating it to death with some heavy-bottomed Doc Martens.  

Apparently when you open up your dreams and wishes to the universe, the universe responds with shiny, cantilevered, easily-reupholstered chairs on a sidewalk that you might have to gently beat some chatty abuelas out of your way to stake your claim.  It's destiny.  It's just like that time I had the dream about the black purse with the leather ruffles and then two days later I saw it in a vintage store so naturally I had to buy it.  When the universe talks, I listen.  But only if it's about stylish things.

Or ugly dinettes once belonging in a breakfast nook...
Was this your original home, dinette set...??
I asked the thrift store if I could take it home in two stages and she said "We're not responsible if it's stolen from the sidewalk overnight."  Well... thank you for your honesty.  I'm a risk taker so I hoped I could fit the chairs into my car and leave the table hiding behind the fake oak tv center and that's sagging in the middle and the desk with three legs and no one would get it.

I pull up to start loading and four possibly homeless ministers/meth addicts come to help but I wasn't prepared for their eager good will and the chaos that followed.  I wasn't prepared for large purchases that day because I had no idea the universe works so fast ESPECIALLY when Mercury is in retrograde so my car looked like a travelling hoarder exhibit.  

I was hurrying to fold down seats and desperately trying to move all the really embarrassing junk to the front seat but they were just too damn fast.  All the doors were flung open and old mail and tampons (Really, Self?  Really?) tumbled out onto the sidewalk next to the abuelas.  I threw winter coats and flip flops and masking tape and Christmas decorations into the front floor board.   Lamps were every where because I always seem to have lamps in my car.  They're like Tribbles and just keep multiplying!   At one point some dude handed me a dirty travel mug followed by an old Starbucks cup and his disgust.  It was like my dirty soul was laid bare before him.  The SHAME!!!     

"Ma'am, is this your half-eaten bag of organic jelly beans a copy of Us Weekly opened to the page with the hot guy from the Hunger Games that I will now deduce you are having some kind of jelly bean magazine pathetic lunch date with when you aren't thrifting?"  SHUT YOUR FACE SOMEONE LEFT IT IN MY CAR!  I don't need your judgment, Tweaky McSpeedsalotforjeezus. 

I think someone slipped a tract into my car but it may have been part of the junk mail mountain and I wouldn't know...

But I guess the universe was on my side again because the table comes apart and we were able to fit everything in my car with the junk AND the lamps but probably a few less tampons.  One of the chairs rode shotgun with me the rest of the day which felt really weird.  Like I was reenacting 'Lars and the Real Girl' except it was 'Lacy and the Pollen-Coated-Possibly-Infested-With-Horrible-Things-That-I-Now-Infested-My-Vehicle-With-Omigawd-I'm-Going-To-Get-Bed-Bugs-In-My-Car Chair.'  

I have less of a mustache in person...
But on the bright side, I have chairs and the universe likes me!  Kinda...  The chairs need to be reupholstered but I can totally learn how to do that in five seconds.  I also have an extra glass table that will go into storage because I hate glass tables because I have no upper body strength until it comes time to set a drink on a glass table and then I turn into the Hulk with a Hulk-sized anxiety problem.  Now all I need is a table I want and some sconces and fancy art that someone will have to pay ME for because I'm already $58 over budget on this quest of Xtreme zhushing importance.  

I'm now on a quest to find a bow and arrow at the thrift store so I can learn to hunt and then trade my kills for a goat and then use the milk from that goat to make soaps and cheese to sell and then use that money to buy a dining room table that I don't have to worry about smashing with my Hulk hands of destruction.  

Get on this, Universe. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Welcome to my brain.

If there was ever an image that captured what 112% of my thoughts are it's this:
Ravished by Nadine Boughton, see more awesomeness here
blue, more blue, RED, vintage, MOAR vintage, pendant lamp, I want to steal one, they have a spare, shiny things, super retro awesome times, pattern on floor, pattern on wall, is that tile?, I don't care, what time is it? it's cartoon time! what fantastically weird moldings are in this place, Hollywood Regency, look at that hardware, AAHHHHHH, deathclaw, RAVISHING, boobs, kitty, RAWWWRRR, whiskers, pet the pretty kitty, is this collage alluding to pussy? stupid art school, more red, heeey sexy time, bow chicka bow meow, ew that's wrong, am I a racist if I'm against black-furred beastiality? hopefully not, am I just a normal perfect? definitely so, is there cheese in this house? can I get that hardware for the ModSauce Ranch? can I get a big plant and not kill it? can I name it Seymour? does Charlemagne need a contrasting friend? I should wear more red, ooh vintage, deathclaw...

It would be 117% my thoughts if it included something about Star Trek: TNG but I guess all artists can't be mind readers or have such great taste in '90s tv shows like me.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

No Claritin can save me from this.

Hey guess what time of the year it is, saucy readers?!  It's that special time of the year when Mother Nature shortens her skirts, is forced to shave her legs in somewhat regular intervals and blesses us with her colorful bounty.  

It's Springtime, y'all!  Let's get our blossoms on.

I really love these in multiples. Erwan Frontin via Honestly WTF
I love it how every year when Spring hits people say "Hey I think florals and pastels are going to be big this season!" and then I'm blown away by their powers of observation.  I can't wait to hear what you think is going to happen this fall, oh amazing trendforecaster of brilliance!  Do you think it might be the colors of leaves and chunky knits?

I will admit that most of my time these past two weeks has been spent in the yard joyfully playing in dirt (and a small bit of crying but that was really because of the Bermuda grass) and trying to steal plants from the local nursery so I've had flowers (and escape plans) on the brain.  

So let's get this obligatory blog post about Spring out of the way and enjoy this season's floral orgasmisplosion until the fucking devil heat of summer makes me hate the outdoors and long for some rusty garden shears to impale myself on just for the cool relief of death.  
Floral on floral on stripe?  Let's do dis.

Just to be safe, maybe someone could bring me a Pop-Ice and a box fan around mid-July... to help prevent my impending suicide in my shriveled and thirsty garden.

I'm kidding.  Bring me a gawddamn margarita.  For the water-retaining powers of salt, of course.
Helen Birch
I call this beauty a study in 'petalicular efflusion.'  It's a science-sounding term I just made up for the copious amounts of sexy petals.  Also, because it sounds really smart.

I didn't think I could like that wallpaper but I do... via Design Manifest
Despite this season's sensational dose of petalicular efflusion, I'm not much of a flower person.  I try to get a bouquet a few times a year to freshen up the Ranch but the anxiety over arranging it correctly to coordinate with my coffee table stylings usually outweighs whatever pleasure gazing at its beauty brings me. 

Flawrs (as we pronounce them down here in the South) are pretty and all, but pretty is rarely an adjective in and of itself that will produce a squee from me. 
But these are purty flawrs...
So you can keep your boring and pretty roses and daisies, future gentlemen callers!  You're much more likely to have me shave my legs at somewhat regular intervals and show you my bounty if you were to woo me with a burrito and box of wine.  Or a nice painting OF flowers...  I'm complicated like that.

However if you insist on bringing me organic offerings, please make it interesting and architectural.  Or just weird. I like weird.  

Paintings by Lulie Wallace via Design*Sponge
But just so you know, a plate of brownies puts me in a state of ecstasy really damn fast...

Just like this picture!
from Fine Little Day but the horrible person on Pinterest didn't keep the source. Horrible. Ideas?
I'm awesome at segues!

But getting back to the flawrs at hand, I'm having a recent affair with really horrible tacky flower patterns.
Corey Olsen via Booooooom
I love this time travel back to 1991.  Hand to gawd, I had that picture album in middle school.  If there is a picture of me wearing some leggings in there, I will shit my leggings.

Better yet, let's wear this shit!  
Risch blazer here
Double-breasted pink and salmon floral blazer?  Uh, only if it's in a cabbage rose print your grandma would wear, amiright?!

I have been spending a lot of time at thrift stores lately scouring the racks for old floral dresses from the '90s and it has been marvelous.  I really peaked at the age of 13/14 back in 1993 so I've vowed to return to that era of flowing polyester dresses.  Just look at this gem of a print I recently acquired:
Oh, ugly print dress...  I promise I won't wear you with combat boots this time.  But you will get some action from these booties I scored for $20.  And a black blazer because I'm professional.  And to really complete the ode to the '90s, probably some free Clinique lipstick that's almost my color that I'll get during one of their giveaways.

But we ain't done yet.  If you really want to commit to this florals this Springs go big or go home:
Not gonna lie, I might have had this outfit at one point during the early '90s but I bet it had a matching vest instead of a blazer.  It was probably more of a "taper leg" than a skinny pant...  And I had a spiral perm... 

Why did I give that shit away only to spend my weekends trolling every thrift store in the tri-state area for the same thing?!  Curses!  
Being that I'm a lady with refined and impeccable tastes (and over 30), I probably will stick to ONE piece of floral orgasmisplosion at a time (ahem).  And I refuse to fall victim to the floral cutoff short trend even if Rachel Bilson gives it a thumbs up.  I have standards.

Low, low, tacky standards.  

Without those I will turn into this:

Cecilia Paredes via Honestly WTF
Fantastic, but not really the office appropriate look I was going for.

Andres Valerio via Forgotten Hopes
We are the sick youth, indeed.

Probably from seasonal allergies.