Sunday, July 29, 2012

Hot, lazy and weird. It's on my business cards.

Y'all.  This summer is killing my internet spirit.  All Charlemagne and I do is take naps and drink iced coffee.  I almost took two naps on the SAME DAY this weekend because fuck it.  But I got another iced coffee so that kinda woke me up just enough to fold more laundry before I promptly laid down on it and almost feel asleep again. 

I know every blogger says the exact same thing every summer but it's true.  Hot = slow in the head.  I barely want to get on the internet and when I do it's on Pinterest for five minutes.  

Ok, kidding.  I've been watching a shit ton of Youtube videos of people shooting guns... DON'T JUDGE!  

But somehow when I wasn't whining about how lame the internet is, I found this groovy tumblr  that completely captures my lazy summer.  June 1972 is where I stole all these images of what my brain feels like - hot, lazy and weird.  It's like No Country For Old Men with aliens.
And campers.  Seriously, who doesn't love a vintage camper?  WHO, GAWDDAMIT?!

I don't know what going on here but YES, EXACTLY THIS.


I bet a lot of good things happened at the Bad Hotel.


Robot luv forever.

I'm more scared of being trampled by a horse than aliens.  And being set on fire if we're actually making a list.  


Speaking of Carl, I watched/napped through Contact for the 1000th time this weekend for the weird non-chemistry between Jody Foster and Mathew McConaughey and I think it refueled my desire for aliens in the desert.  
I had to watch it because I tried to be a real girl the night before and watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and what a fucking waste of two hours that was.  I'll never get that time back!!  This is why I fucking hate romantic comedies.  They are neither romantic nor contain comedy and there should be some kind of movie prison where we can lock up movies for criminal false advertising.



I think buffaloes belong in my weird, lazy, hot brain.  

MOAR EXPLOSIONS!!  I think I'm just really stoked for the new Bourne moving coming up next month.  Those movies really strike a nice balance of romance and comedy for me.

Love cheap motels so so much.  Not that I ever stay in them... anymore.  *ahem*

I think this is actually Graceland which doesn't fit geographically with the already tenuous theme of this post but I want the inside of the above motel to be decorated like this.



It all makes sense in my head, I swear.


Obsessed with the picture and I have no idea why.  Possibly the candy-colored vinyl.


Of course, this whole thing probably has nothing to do with the Dr. Who episode Impossible Astronaut that I watched earlier this summer...
Because as you might remember, it was all I talked about for a while.  I have very active social life.

That's a well-dressed alien, y'all.

I swear I'm going to replace my Dr. Who obsession with other things!  Other things that no one else cares about but me. 

Probably like this.  But at least it'll be a new thing you won't care about and that seems a little more fun, right?

Sorry* I'm such a terrible design blogger.  But at least we have more fun and nachos over here!

And aliens?!

*not sorry.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Some awesome things and not-so-awesome things...

Yeaahhh... so... this week I was supposed to share with you my delightful journey to from timid country mouse to Gunlandia.  It was nothing but my best for you - inappropriate humor and the over-sexualization of firearms.  But there was also a heartwarming story about your favorite inappropriate Madame nestled inside.  I believe it's what literary critics refer to as "fucking terrible."

Obviously, in spite of recent tragic events I think it's probably best to shelve that little post for the time being.  It's not going away forever because it IS important in my "journey" but I need someone to tell me the appropriate amount of wait time before I glamorize guns.  Well, technically I'm not glamorizing them I'm glamorizing education and ME but I'm not sure I have the writing ability to make that distinction.  

Actually I'm not glamorizing me - basically I'm a sweating mess the entire time.  There is, in fact, no glamour in that post.  I think the literary critics are right. 

I'm sorry I teased you with the hopes of reading all kinds of awesomeness this week because my class in firearm safety WAS pretty awesome for me.  But the timing is not awesome.  

So to apologize I'm giving you this way awesome video put together from clips from the International Space Station.  It makes me dizzy from awesomeness.

Click on the caption to see the video larger - it's worth it.  My post is nowhere near this awesome but just be polite whenever it does see the light of day.

PS. Um... I just realized all my favorite parts of the video (I've watched it a few hundred times) are the clips of the aurora borealis.  Wow.  I just can't seem to do anything appropriate lately.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

This makes me exceedingly happy.

via The Rushing
This is the Barcelona Pavilion and it seems to make Carolyn Butterworth exceedingly happy too, whoever the hell she is.

She seems like a lady that really gets me.

Update!  Twitter smartie @MarielaCampo sent the link to this article where the picture was taken from - a paper on "creative" architectural site survey.  See page 132 for a better picture of Carolyn.  I would like to print that picture and take a picture of myself licking it.  Then the internet would explode.  

Monday, July 16, 2012

Chandeliers really know how to smize.

Does the blog look a little different today?  Just something a little saucier but you just can't put your finger on it?  A certain... maturity and worldliness about it?  It's probably because I POPPED MY GUN CHERRY this weekend and am a real woman now!  

A real badass woman.

I'll tell you all the glamorous details after my 2nd class which is this Saturday.  In the meantime let's look at all the glamorous details about this Kerry Washington editorial from Vogue Italia.

Because DAYUM.  

This is exactly how I look hanging out at the Ranch, too.  Except even more glamour.  And guns.

Ok I don't have a gun but it has a definite badass vibe around here now.  Just like this:

Which is exactly what I look like blogging on my couch.  But I looked like this before the gun class so no change there.

*shifty eyes*

Next party idea: cocktail dresses around the plastic kiddie pool out back.  It'll be a way to wear those old bridesmaids dresses again.  And then we can ruin them by finishing the evening with the slip n' slide.  If you have a strapless dress you're fucked.

Sorry Kerry, I think the star of this is chandelier.  And the... countertop/table?  I'm not sure what that is but I like what's going on there.  I could really spread out when I'm making my cat hairball and Pottery Barn catalog collages. 

My latest piece is called Your soul in an apothecary jar #7.

Seriously, stop sending me catalogs, Pottery Barn.  I ordered one thing 7 years ago as a gift and since then you've killed 17 trees in my honor.  I'd like to put your soul in an apothecary jar!

I look like a real chump wearing shades of orange but I bet if I dressed like that fireplace I could make it work.  Vertical stripes are very slimming.  Especially in stone.

photos from here
So much glamour it hurts.  Also, Kerry stole my avatar's hairstyle and over my dead imaginary cartoon body can someone have take that.

Maybe I'll trade her for a chandelier or three for it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

It's summertime and the living is saucy.

I can't remember what day it is anymore (because of heat and cocktails) but I think I remember large sparkly explosions in the sky recently so I'm going to say it's before Christmas.  

If you're like me you're probably drunk on okra from the farmer's market and laying on the couch without pants and have been since omigawd February?  If that's the case, #1 you should tweet a Madame up sometime so we can talk about how much we hate pants and #2  I think you might like to zone out even harder to these trend forecast videos from WGSN I found via Busy Being Fabulous.

I can zone out so hard I need a time machine so I can go back to 1996 and be in the X Games.

I know that no one else really cares about trend forecasting like I do but I think it's fascinating.  Maybe that's because I think everything's fascinating when I'm okra drunk...  I don't have the energy to talk about the merits of trend forecasting but making zoned out videos about color and pattern is basically my dream job so SHUT YOUR GAWDDAMN FACEHOLE!

It seems like the colors here happen to be largely orangey pank in the top video and kinda  grey and black in the bottom... JUST like my post from Monday!   And y'all just thought I was cuckoo for volcanoes.   Instead I'm just cuckoo for stretching any random bit of media I find into making me seem cooler than I am.

Perhaps another X Games event I would destroy.

Have a trippy weekend, y'all.  I'm going to be doing this on Saturday:

I think my nerd is showing. Hi five if you love Gwen Cooper.

Guess I should put on pants.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

I'm good with color and metaphors.

Hey remember when that volcano erupted in Iceland a few years ago and disrupted plane travel and European things for weeks?  Yeah me neither.   But lately I've been strangely attracted to the pictures of it.

Probably because I'm dreaming of ice and snow a lot since it feels like the air is made of lava.  

Too forced?  You're right.

Or maybe it's because I'm the kind of lady person that's hot AND cool...??  *suggestive eyebrow*


I can't really do either of those metaphors with a straight face so how 'bout we just have a mini ode to hot neon tangerine/pank with some kind of desolate something in the background.



Needs more desolation...


Speaking of the previous image, I'm going to fulfill a lifelong dream by taking one of two handgun safety classes this coming Saturday.  BANG BANG SQUEE!   
I'm looking to become a professional menace to society.  

I'm going to change my bio to say "cheap, lazy, easily distracted and ready to FUK YOU UP!"

My smiling cartoon avatar will be changed to a smiling cartoon bullet.

No more Mr. Nice Madame!  My heart is like an icy volcano but I shoot pain lava into paper targets!!
This is getting embarrassing...

I should stick to mediocre color stories.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Fireworks? Try some lonely Italian gardens to add sizzle to your holiday!

I feel like I should be able to put on my resume under the 'Special Skills' section that I survived this weekend and its 106+ temps.  I'll go in for job interviews and tell them I can use Adobe Illustrator (lie), am comfortable with Powerpoint (as if) and can accurately predict the moment when I need to switch from wine and Sprite spritzers to water so I can  stay hydrated enough to later walk outside to my car and not shrivel up like a vampire raisin.

If you're in DC and have no power you deserve a Purple Heart.  Or at least an hour of uninterrupted time standing in front of an open fridge with your top off and no panties.  

via It's Nice That
Maybe that's why I'm strangely drawn to these photographs of Italian gardens by Lawrence Beck - zero humidtiy, not heat index and I can enjoy them in front of an open fridge with a nice chilled breeze straight to my Southern garden.  (See what I did there?)

Ahhh....  gawd bless America and advanced refrigeration.
And bless Italy because it looks pretty damn cool no matter what the temperature.

There was a discussion this weekend on which was worse: boob sweat or ball sweat.  Gentlemen, I think you might be the winner.  You get an extra five minutes in front of the open fridge.

In related news, I've invented a bra where the cups are made of the freezable gel stuff in eye masks or ice packs that you use for sore muscles.   I'm accepting advance orders.
This building is bananas.  

 If you follow me on Instagram you know I squee hard for old structures being eaten by nature.  Usually it's trailers but this is pretty badass too.

Is this a still from the movie Legend?  Because I think I saw a unicorn back there.

Fortunately my container garden is doing well and staying watered (yay me!) although I have recently noticed some wonky plants.  Wonky plants that I couldn't figure out why were wonky until I found a cat-shaped dent...  gawddamit.  

Apparently the cool damp potting mix was just too enticing to resist so I scattered some candles and lanterns in all the emptier areas of the pots.   Now who's the smart one?!  *eyebrow wiggle*

She seems to not understand the joy of advanced refrigeration because no matter how much I try to coax Charlemagne to stay inside, she seems to want to bake herself into a kitty log on the driveway.  

So now she gets locked inside when it's too hot where she pouts like a tweener.  SORRY TO BE KEEPING YOU ALIVE!!  My bad.
You know who isn't behaving like an asshole cat and also deserves a medal this week?  My heatwave savior: JCPenney's thermal Supreme curtains.  They are keeping out all the bad sun from my living and dining room thereby making them habitable for humans and reluctant cats. 

I know that fancy 'designy' curtains are block-printed pieces of gossamer linen woven from the finest sheep chin hair but that shit only works on the Pinterest.  I have neighbors and 50 year old windows.  I can't be relying on a piece of toilet paper from West Elm to hide whatever manner of shame happens inside the Ranch.

And there is a lot...
Unless this guy was my neighbor and then I wouldn't mind baking on my couch where all my neighbors could see just how many hours I've watched Torchwood this weekend.

I also eat an embarrassing amount of cheese that I'd like to keep between me, Captain Jack Harkness and the checkout guy at my secret redneck grocery store who looks like Michael Bolton's gay inbred cousin.

I figure a guy with more earrings than corkscrew curls probably doesn't judge a girl buying bulk cheese.
He deserves a medal too.

Hope y'all have a happy Fourth and retain all of your fingers but none of your dignity!