Wednesday, August 22, 2012

29 Things I Bet You Didn't Know Your Vagina Could Do

I was really enjoying my month of hotbernating but then politicians have to go and fuck up my life and leisure and wake up this cranky bear.  We hit a 9.8 on the on the vagina scale of fuckery this week and shit just got real, y'all 

I know we might be experiencing rape fatigue (it's a thing now) but I needed to do some research so I decided to have a convo with my vagina: Justin Beaver.  She is the silent partner here at this blog so I felt it was the right thing to do.

First she said that she hates her new name and requested we go back to Madame Thunderpussy.  Your wish is my command, Madame.

I have a Tumblr for all my Instagrams now so you can keep up with the Madame there.  Wait...
Then she explained to me about scienze and how wonderfully magical it all is!  Like Jeezus directing a Disney movie about biology that takes place in your uterus.   

"So you have ways of shutting all that biznasty down should I ever be foolish enough to be raped?" I asked into my hand mirror.

"Grrrl," she said, "if you believe hard enough and clap really loud I can do all kinds of awesome shit.  Just wait til I tell you all the other gnarly things me and my bits can do."

And here are 29 of the superhuman things I just learned my vagina is capable of:

1.  Make a perfect pie crust.

2.  Land the Mars Rover better than those NASA amateurs.

3.  Make a bed with perfect hospital corners.

4.  Shell peas.

5.  Discern which Olsen twin is which and which one is a witch.

6.  Count to 1000 using only prime numbers.

7.  List all the winners of Project Runway in the bitchiest order.

8.  Compose a sonnet.  (Not a good one.  It IS just a vagina.)

9.  Grow and birth babies.

10.  Orgasm to the rhythm of any One Direction song.

11.  Wear muff after Easter.

12.  Drop it like it's hawt.

13.  Recite all the words to "It's the End of the World as We Know It."

14.  Telepathically communicate with albino narwhals.

15.  Disarm a bomb at the last second. (Please no Hurt Locker jokes)

16.  Can absorb the energy of the Time Vortex with no complications.

17.  Queef on a dandelion and have the wish actually come true.

18.  Comfortably make small talk at parties.

19.  Reduce the deficit.

20.  Get her bangs to do that.

21.  Pee rainbows.

22.  Tastefully mix florals and stripes.

23.  Grow a pearl.

24.  Provide shelter from the storm.

25.  Make new seasons of Arrested Development.

26.  Knows all the choreography to Janet Jackson's "Pleasure Principle."

27.  Produces dragon eggs on leap year as backup for the Khaleesi.  

28.  Sin button produces Secret Sauce when engaged.

29.  Makes this cameltoe look gooood.

Y'all.  I had no idea my vagina was so amazing.  I should be thanking Senator Akin for giving me the opportunity to learn all this about my own body.

So laaadies, go have a convo and let me know what else our Renaissance vaginas can do.  I've got to go make some wishes!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Hotbernating. It's like hibernating but saucier.

If you've been feeling a little dead on the inside this month it's probably because I haven't been blogging as much.  Just kidding.  It's probably because it's August and the world is hibernating.  Hot hibernating.  Hotbernating.

It's not even that hot this month but whatever.  Mildbernating sounds totally fucking stupid.

When I'm not napping and eating my weight in salsa (the chosen food of Hotbernating) I've actually been rather productive around the house.  It's amazing what happens when you stay away from the internet for more than five minutes!

GPOY, obviously.  Except I don't hang gang colors off my ass.  Safety first.  

I've been doing some boring homeowner-y things like deep cleaning (who am I?), sanding doors (WTF is that even a real thing?) and prepping some furniture to paint (SPRAY PAINT IT ALL!).  If anything exciting results from those things I'll be sure to alert you immediately.

I'm keeping it light the rest of August so you can have plenty of time to google more pictures of Hilda - my favorite pinup by Duane Bryers.  I feel like we have the same thighs...  Or the closest my thighs will ever be captured in vintage fabulosity and that's good enough for me.

Maybe I'll finish the rest of my Hotbernating in a flour sack fatkini.  DON'T JUDGE ME!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

America is so trending right now.

Maybe I've finally reached the climax of pastels from this summer because I need to look at some normal colors that come from a color wheel and not ones that are shat out of a Care Bear's candy ass.  Kinda like that million dollar coffee bean that is only made after an Indonesian monkey shits out the undigested beans.  

That's where we get neon peach from, y'all.  Color scienze.

And as much as I hate to admit it I'm kinda drawn to the darling of remedial color theory: blue and red.  
via The Glamourai I think...
I know, I know.  

It probably has something to do with the pride I feel for America winning the Olympics and the fact that I shoot guns now so I'm super into dry-humping bald eagles and shotgunning Mountain Dew and other American shit.  

This video for Of Monsters and Men's Little Talks is trying to hypnotize me:
I also like red and blue with gold because AMERICA WINS ALL THE GOLD!  Maybe I'm a poor loser but if the US of A doesn't lead the medal count in the Olympics I get so fucking pissed off.  This is why the rest of the world hates us/me.  

I forgot where I got these gifs.  Pretty sure it was the internet, though.

Maybe y'all are tired of this video but I see one video a year so SHUT UP!  Also, fireworks!  Because they make me cry.  For America.  And for sparkly things.

Michelle Dockery from Love magazine via Bohemea
Ladies, let's have a makeup party at the MS Ranch and all do this.  I've got some old kabuki makeup (well, it's just baby powder) and the red eyeshadow (who doesn't?!) so you bring the blue hair dids and we'll Instagram the shit out of our drunken makeovers.

Not sure what this is but it looks like donuts and I'm cool with that.

via Sisterwolf
Um, best bellydance belt ever.  I guess we can just start piling our laundry on our heads now...?  I'm down with that.

Joana Salta
Rainbow mini blinds?  I... I... I kinda like it.  *hangs head in shame*

Toast via Solid Frog
Laundry that you could pile on your head if you wanted to.  Just sayin...

Paolo Reversi via Just To Refresh the Mind

Pinterest ate the source. : (
Just a quick shot I took of myself.  I love red and blue so much it makes me toss my hair a lot and pretend to suck my thumb. (?)


Adam Juresko
You know what America also won this past week?  MOTHERFUCKING SPACE, Y'ALL.  If Mars is red and earth is kinda blueish does that still work with my color theme?  Gawddamn I'm really good at this.

Krzysztof Wladyka via MPD

Mogollon via Yatzer

Pegasus by Loredana Gasparotto on Saatchi

 This is starting to get a little orange.  Let's bring it back home...

via The Frisky
Because America.

In unrelated news and in honor of the flaming homo above, I've temporarily renamed my vagina after another homo: Justin Beaver.  I'll probably dye my pubic hair to match the American flag.  It's the most patriotic thing I can think of right now.  

I really commit to a theme.

Now where's my bald eagle??!!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

This makes me exceedingly happy.

I don't know about y'all but this weekend is really harshing my saucy mellow.  Thanks to NBC's schizophrenic attempts at editing, I've seen 17 hours of beach volleyball in hopes to catch the events I want to watch interspersed within and I still seem to miss them.  I must step into a wormhole on the way to the bathroom and returned 45 minutes later in a parallel universe where the tv schedule lies.  We still dominate beach volleyball in every universe though.

Also, things at the ModSauce Ranch are breaking down: the lawnmower broke after 3 passes around the yard giving my yard a fat mohawk until I could borrow my neighbor's.  The dishwasher spit out a rusty screw today (probably superfluous anyway) and makes a soothing, albeit concerning, grinding noise.  The washing machine only does its denouement spin cycle about 50% of the time and the dryer works but has begun squeaking so loudly it sounds like someone is murdering a sheep in the laundry room.  

Naturally I self-medicated my troubles away by eating shameful amounts of gluten-free, wheat-free, care-free ginger molasses cookies I found in bulk at Big Lots.  Nobody buys the organic stuff there so it's all mine.  It's called HEALTHY EATING, y'all.  The proceeding stomach ache is all mine too.   

All this HEALTHY EATING will probably do wonders for my skin which the 117% humidity is turning into a minefield of impending disaster.  You probably shouldn't yell too loudly in my direction otherwise we might have sonic-induced eruptions.  

After all this obvious tragedy at the Ranch, I needed something to light my soul on fire again.  So here's a snail taking a shower.

It's the best thing I've ever seen.  Like Flashdance but sexier.  Especially at the :23 mark.

I've been blogging for about two decades and I ramble on about all kinds of flotsam and jetsam that surfaces in my brain but I can't remember if we've ever gotten around to my love of snails...  Have we?  Because it's really important to my design psyche.

Also, the health of my soul and possibly yours now.