Wednesday, October 30, 2013

My raven's name is That's So...

It's decorative goth season, motherfuckers. 

Ah, Halloween.  That magical time of year where I trade in Charlemagne for a raven and my black wardrobe for an even blacker wardrobe with ruffles.  

I finally have an excuse to wear my long leather gloves, too, other than pumping gas touching the shopping cart at Costco.  

And I can bring my friends.
I'm in a super witchy mood this year, not to be confused with being bitchy of which I have been lately but they are completed unrelated.  I blame the things mentioned in this rant.  But maybe I should look into a spell to help me acquire a new mattress.

At the very least I could dress really cool while shopping.


Please enjoy this special holiday dump of hippie witches and some skullz and shit.  I have to get this raven's harness on him before we start mattress shopping.






Y'all.  I cancelled my cable so I haven't seen any of the new American Horror Story and it's KILLING me.  Maybe I'll bewitch one of my neighbors into letting me watch at their house.

Or I'll send my raven to peck out their eyes.

Just kidding.  He'll just steal some candy or something.  I've trained him for the truly important work.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Last year I burned down a Hobby Lobby when they ran out of plastic pumpkins.

Being that I'm so swamped with the whining and ranting and lusting after art, my Fall decorating has tragically fallen by the wayside.  I haven't even bought a damned white pumpkin or mum for my porch yet.  I might as well put the Sauce-mobile on blocks and get a goat to take care of my yard.  I'm a waste of a human.

I think the only type of seasonal decorating I'm going to be able to manage this Fall is this:

I feel like the Ron Swanson of design bloggers.

If you don't know, this is from the McSweeney's essay "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers" and you read it every year when the leaves change while drinking a pumpkin spice latte out of this overpriced motherfucking mug in honor of the glorious season, y'all. 

It's just like "The Night Before Christmas."  But with more cussing.  And a mask I make of pumpkin skin and human teeth.

Tradition.  It's important, fuckfaces. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Take a long, hard look at this beautiful room...

Just to assure you all after my last post that I'm not on the verge of slicing my wrists with a piece of decorative agate I got on sale at HomeGoods, I'm giving you the gift of a my happiness as inspired by this beautiful room.

There's just something about it that's magical but I can't quite put my finger on why.  Maybe it's the contrasting colors or the sweet lampshades... I'm just drawn to it in a really visceral way.  It just does things to me.  I feel reborn and my back is pain free and yet weirdly feel like I want to lay in the floor again...?

Must be some good feng shui.

Have a good weekend trying to source that beautiful red Chesterfield sofa, amiright?!

(original is Greenbriar Resort shot by Cooper Carras but improved version from here)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I hope I'm better at tablescaping than walking...

Ye olde ModSauce Ranch has been on decorating hiatus for a hot minute which means I bought a lot of lipstick and ate too many tapas this summer so I'm too broke for pillows.

But mostly I'm broke and on decorating hiatus because constant back pain and no ability to exercise make Madame MURDERsauce weak, poor and despondent and why won't anyone hug me oh it's probably because I still have one ugly swollen cankle from when I fell because of my back problems affecting my walking and I sleep on a naked mattress like a homeless person because I can barely muster the will to keep the bare minimum of a clean house, do the dishes or do laundry oh wait I don't even have a working washing machine so I'm sneaking over to a family member's house to steal their appliance time but I can't lift the basket of clothes out of my car because it hurts so I've been wearing the same dirty jeans for ten days and THAT'S probably the reason no one from OkCankle will message me back and now I want to cry in my dirty jeans which also have a crotch hole in them but I can't afford to buy new ones because I have to pay for chiropractor visits, a new washing machine and a new mattress which is probably the cause of all this pain in the first place.

But mostly the fun part about lipstick and tapas...

So one day when I could walk I went to the antique mall for the first time in months and bought a table.  FOR MY HOUSE SOUL.  

We were in desperate need of something happy around these parts.

My Instagrams on Tumblr.  Yes there are a lot of "lines" here but it wasn't on purpose.
It was less than $50 so I feel like that was worth it and took priority over saving for a mattress. I didn't style it; I could only get it inside the house because my back went out again.  I did have a long time to admire my purchase because I got stuck on the floor in front of it for quite awhile.

But life is good when you have new shiny furniture and it makes you forget your miserable existence for a brief moment and the fact that you do kind of resemble a French bulldog in body shape and skin tone.  

But I don't know how to style it so I raided I Pinterest for help.  

I had a lot of time on the floor.
Emily Henderson
Emily Henderson is of course the expert of making surfaces look pretty.

She always has a good mix of shiny and matte and height and I'll never put arrows in a vase.

We're looking for pointers only...
It's like the matching slim ankles are taunting me.

One time in the early days of blogging long before there was Tumblr porn I accidentally found a blog dedicated to cankle jack off material.  Not joking.  I should see if they take submissions...

I know these are Emily Henderson but I don't know the project/sources...
Ok all this EmHen work is beautiful but it's a little... happy... for my current state of misery.

Chris Nguyen via Analog Dialog
Dark and moody and much better.  Still has a mix of height levels and matte and shine and I definitely like a few plants up there.  I might need to eat it should I ever get stuck on the floor for extended amounts of time again.

via Design Traveller
Sometimes simple is best. 

I can't do simple because I junk up everything even with the best of intentions but I should practice restraint on some occasions.

Donna Griffith for Covet Garden via sfgirlbybay
Restraint in color counts.  I can do that.  I also have a lot of white things because I'm racist when it comes to home accessories.  And pets.

Rug magazine October 2012


Riikka Kantinkoski via Weekday Carnival
I actually have that black IKE-Rah vase on the far right so obviously my table will look as cute as this console.

Trying to not cry over that nicely made bed...   Note to self: put some shells on things and let's get this party started.  

Anna Gillar
Apparently I have to have binoculars of some kind on my table.  Sure beats hanging out in my neighbors' bushes which is so problematic with a bum back.

Jonathan Lo via Old Brand New Blog
Ok new plan just put pretty things in tray.  Pretty things and maybe some pain killers for easy access.

My preferred choice is always the Kelly Wearstler ode to the Fortress of Solitude like this loverly crystaline funscape.  

Fortress of Solitude is the ModSauce Ranch's nickname.  Also my OkCankle dating profile name.  

Things are starting to make sense now...

When I make the table look pretty and have any gripping (hopefully not crippling) cankle updates I'll make sure to alert you.

Update: I am feeling better - thank y'all for your concern.  The rant above helped and I'm sleeping in my guest bedroom now (on sheets!) which apparently has a better mattress?  Because I love my guests so much.  You should come visit me.  And help me fold my laundry and carry me to the toilet and things. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Rad pank: colors for a dying summer star.

Every few months the heavens shift, the planets align and somewhere whales sing a special song of simultaneous joy and loneliness and I like pink for a brief period of our miserable time on earth.  

It's like Lacy in retrograde.

more here
Or maybe I'm just holding on to summer and refusing to let go.  This tapestry by Evelyn Ackerman titled Hot Summer Landscape is MY EVERYTHING right now.  

Every time I see a pumpkin sitting on a bale of hay I cringe.  I want to take a flamethrower to the infinite mum display at the front of every grocery store.

If we're keeping this cosmic metaphor, like a dying star I'm intensely fusioning (real scienze word) for bright, summery colors and will eventually burn myself out into an autumnal death.  But it's 85 degrees and I'm still groin-sweating through my pants when I'm mowing the grass so I've probably got a few more weeks left.

I'm burning hot for these Kate Spade earrings too which is sooo preppy of me.  I told you I was in retrograde.  Fortunately I'm not groin-sweating through anything when I'm online shopping so that's good to know.

OR AM I?!?!??!?!?

Jessica Helgerson

I think the key is that I gotta put some black with it.

Marja Inez
Or cats.  Cats are always good.

NG Collective print on Etsy
Or blobs.  Blobs are always good too.

Sorry, Marie...
Me.  Wearing makeup.

my Instagram
I actually have been going against my usual preference of looking as bland as humanly possible and wearing super bright lips.  Don't worry, the rest of me is still the Gap version of goth bland so it's kinda like I'm a walking funeral for my butterfly mouth.   

For my fellow makeup enthusiasts, I'm ADDICTED addicted to NYX.  It's candy for your lips.  I love every color and they smell like what cartoons rainbows would probably smell like and you can put that on your face.  They don't get sticky or bleed and are super cheap at Ulta and I'm now your candy facerainbow pusher.

But if you like painted canvases instead of painted faces I've also been enjoying all of MFAMB's paintings lately...
Jenny Andrews Anderson of MFAMB
She always has squee-worthy pank down in the Hotlanta.

Skeleton Clock III
Also check out my Twitter friend, fellow Tilda Swinton enthusiast and pink pimp Matthew Best.

One day I'll get around to buying so good art but until then...

my Instagram
PLANTS!   My track record with green things is... checkered... we'll say but I feel victim to the bromeliad's flashy center bits.  It was just sitting there whoring it up for me and I couldn't resist.  Also, it kinda matched my pink and orange shoes so I figure the Universe WANTED me to buy it.

If I kill it let's pretend this never happened.

I was also momentarily seduced (remember, Lacy Sauce in retrograde) by these blossom thingies until a plant smart person (thanks @_emily_rose) told me even dummies can grow zinnias.  GUESS WHAT I'LL BE PLANTING NEXT SPRING, Y'ALL?!??!

That's right, lipstick plants.

Until then...
Chatelaine Magazine via Design Milk pink and orange pumpkins?!  I don't know how I feel about this but I'm putting this here for you.  Because I care about your front porches and seasonal tablescaping.

But I'm still thinking about bright furniture and summer plants so y'all just keep pinning those recipes for pumpkin spice sex lube and I'll be hanging out here...
Elle Interior Sweden
Carrying this.
Kinda Khalidy
And tablescaping like this:
Patrick Cline for Lonny
Just kidding I can't tablescape.  I just throw my mail in artful piles and call it a day.  Hhmm... maybe we need to talk about proper 'scaping soon because this dying star is clueless.

Prepare for pink dump...
via Little Green Notebook

Thomas Jackson

James Welling

Yes all things gradient pink and orange please.

Erica Fae
ME. I wish.  But this IS my hot orange/red/pink lipstick life muse and I love everything about her and whatever brand of magic is going on this picture.  This shade of red/pink (heretofore known as rad pank) is where my heart is.  I think it might be the color of the year for 2015.  But maybe I'm talking crazy...

via YNG

Jay Stewart Photography
Or I'll take this and some freckles please and I think I'm having a girl crush moment...

Put some black on it.  And see the other amazing fashion illustrations by Daryl Feril here.

And if I'm not thinking about rad pank I've been completely consumed with this:

BigBadRobot Etsy print
I'm not ready for it to be over.  I'm still grieving and refuse to take off my Blue Sky-inspired nail polish.  I've been watching old episodes again - no shame.

Good thing that bromeliad was so cheap so I can spend some money on posters inspired by tv shows.  Am I really that person now?!

Who cares as long as my lipstick looks good.