Thursday, February 27, 2014

This makes me exceedingly happy.

I'm actually busy this week with something I call "progress."  Progress means I've half painted some things in my bedroom, acquired a metric shit ton of beige fabric samples and watched the Lonesome Dove miniseries.  Perhaps *I* am a hermit crab??

Either way, please enjoy these real hermit crabs with their designer homes while I continue to make "progress."

Aki Inomata via Rhumboogie

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The bachelor party is brought to you by Grindr.

I'm bored talking about my bedroom again so let's take a detour and talk important things LIKE SHOPPING!  Specifically shopping for the homosensuals.

I don't know about y'all but I'm seeing a happy explosion of gay wedding ceremonies this past year.  This is good for all kinds of reasons not the least of which is that I get to wear my fanciest eyelashes and prettiest dresses.  

For once a decade.

But it ain't all signature cocktails and crinolines! [MS sidebar: it totally is.]  We have come into a new age of etiquette and Emily Post ain't got shit for me so I'm having to blaze a trail myself.  Whose name goes first when I address the card?  How many bridal showers do I have to throw if there is 0-2 brides?  How many "blush and bashful" jokes are appropriate before someone is allowed to choke them with tulle?

And finding gifts has proved a bit more challenging than your typical wedding.  Mostly I buy off the registry because I do what I'm told and am lazy and we all know the important thing is how well your gift is wrapped so it can stand out on the gift table and shame everyone else's.  But sometimes I like to throw caution to the wind and go rogue.  I'm not one for formal or traditional gifts but in cases where I think they'd really enjoy it, I like to monogram gifts so much you'd think they forgot how to spell their own gawddamn name.  

It's personal for any couple but I think we all understand how seeing a same sex couple's initials and/or names together is a powerful thing.  However, most traditional monogramming hasn't caught up to our modern ways.  Behold, Pottery Barn:

For a same sex couple - or hell, any couple that chooses to keep separate last names or hyphenate or whatever the fuck they feel like doing after rejecting patriarchal standards - most of the monogramming relies on one initial for the shared last name which doesn't really work in this case.  I guess you could get half of the gifts in one person's letter and half in the other but that sounds like you're already setting them up for divorce.  And while I've certainly been tempted a few times, I guess it's best to let those delusional fuckers figure it out for themselves  

I think this is the first time I've seen two letter combinations like on the last row of the Pottery Barn options.  I'm almost positive that hasn't always been available and most places don't have that as an option.  Even shops that specialize in engraving were giving me problems about monogramming items not bought at their store and weren't all that keen on letting me customize outside of their 3-letter setup.  Based on the vast amount of monogrammed bible bookmarks by the counter and their condescending attitude when I mentioned my quandary of two last names, I'm guessing they wouldn't have been to helpful if I told them the first names were both male.  I'm sure they immediately added me and my hypothetical hairy-legged, Satan-loving, feminist friend who didn't want to take her husband's name to their prayer list as soon as I left.

So if you're like me and jonesing for that special monogrammed gift let me alert you to Etsy.  Specifically, TaylorCrafts Engraving.

While they only engrave cutting boards and humidors, all of their engraving is custom so you can pick exactly what you want.  If you find mint julep mugs where that's an option please alert me.  I imagine this summer will be quite busy and I need to be prepared.

This is the 12x15 in white oak.
Pardon my photos under lamplight because they really don't do the cutting board justice.  It was beautifully engraved and really affordable at about $45.  Considering I saw a Lulu & Georgia option (also featuring a same sex couple - nice work, y'all) for upwards of $75 I think this was a good investment.

I didn't get anything from TaylorCrafts. Just thought they were cool.
And if you're wondering, it's seven.  You are allowed to make seven "blush and bashful" jokes before someone strangles you with tulle.

You are allowed to have absolutely zero armadillo cakes.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Booty Bouquet? Aw you shouldn't have!

First of all, this post is sliiightly NSFW because ASS but it won't get you fired or anything.  I hope...

So I didn't get started on painting my walls as expected this past weekend so I've failed you.  I'm really enjoying this No Spend February and any trip to the store (even for previously approved paint purchases) is temptation.  I went to Costco for Brussels sprouts and wine (previously approved staples) and came out with a 5 lb bag of dried cherries that I have no idea what I'm going use them for.  THIS is why I'm avoiding stores.

I have to go pick up a prescription at Walgreens tomorrow and I'm only allowing myself the drive thru.  That place is a danger zone of cheap nail polish and yogurt-covered raisins.

Could I coat 5 lbs of dried cherries in fake yogurt coating??  Things to think about...

In addition to vision of dried cherries dancing in my head, I've also been thinking about art for the bedroom.  I'm excited to ACTUALLY HANG art on the walls.  I'm a 'leaner' of arty things because I never have anything framed the way I want and I have plaster walls so I'm scared.  But fuck it, let's do it. 

Untitled (Blue Dress), 2000
I'm still incredibly attracted to tropical themes (shut up I don't care I'm feelin' it) and happened to find these photographs by Naomi Fisher that I'm pretty stoked about.

Sparkly Shirt, 2000
'Stoked' being the only applicable word considering I can't even afford to by a print even though I really want a giant wall-sized print of these. 

Untitled, 1998
Ok I'll take a small print.  I just love this one.  

And now that I've lulled you in with a false sense of security, the really good stuff is... sliiightly erotic.
Untitled (White Lilies), 2000
You might see a bit of bush (sorry not sorry) but nothing bad if your boss sneaks up on you.

Untitled (Haliconia in Warm Sunlight), 2000
Just lots of ass. 

Which would be perfect for my bedroom, COME OOONNNN!

Untitled (Dangling Haliconia), 2000
No wait, this one's kinda my fave...

Part of me wishes I could print this out in a giant 4'x6' size at FedEx/Kinko's just for the interaction with the salesperson because you know it'll print reeealy slow and they might notice that that shape is resembling a butt and then oh my it is a butt and then they get really nervous and sweaty for what else is going to print and I'll just stand there and stare at them with one raised eyebrow and dare them to say anything and we'll have a stare off to see who looks away first while butts just print out below us.

Untitled (Black Dress), 2000
But I'll never look away first, guy probably naked Keven wearing a Kinko's blue shirt.  I'll never look away first.

Booty Bouquet, 1998
As you might have noticed, eloquence is not my thang but SnailCrow has a nice little essay about the sexuality (read: genitals of both the human and flora variety) of this series which is worth a read.  He uses the word 'fecundity' and I smirked at the title Booty Bouquet so you can see which one us bloggers owns a dictionary.

Assy Flora Suite of 3, Pink Hibiscus, Royal Poincettia, Orchid Tree, 1999
Well, I don't think anyone OWNS a dictionary anymore but certain bloggers might be more familiar with its contents than others.

Untitled (Dying Yellow Tulips), 2000
You know what I'm about to be familiar with?  A neverending supply of dried cherries.  Do you think Kevin-who-probably-works-at-FedEx-Kinko's likes cherries?  Because we're about to get reall intimate.

Most pics found on Plant Propaganda (superfun new plant/art blog that's worth a look) but more at SnailCrow, Le Cafe Momus and Artist Pension Trust.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Cabin fever is for lovers and sociopaths.



The rest of the country would rather die than look at more snow but us Southerners love a good cold day of miracles and frozen precipitation as long as it doesn't involve a traffic jam from hell like last month.  We enjoyed a delightfully manageable eight inches that resulted in much Instagraming.  *clears throat*

Well, "manageable" is a strong word considering power is out for thousands of people and I've had to work at home for three days because we don't leave the house now after the storm a few weeks ago.  

Day 1 was Wheeee! and I got a lot of work done.  By Day 2 I was feeling... strange... and started doing some logic puzzles like in middle school so my brain wouldn't turn into mush but I'd already lost so many synapses that they just classified my results with a sad face.  

By Day 3 my cabin fever has turned into brain pneumonia and I forgot how to talk to human beings.  I'm wearing socks on my hands.

I just grunt at things to communicate and eat a lot of dry cereal.

 I'm de-evolving.  

via Vintage Gal
Here's my Valentime's selfie for you.

I'm getting you all Open Hearts Wave necklaces because that's how much I love you.  It's like regular Open Hearts necklaces but BETTER because WAVES.

Just kidding.  We're all getting the same thing for Valentine's day.

Hours upon hours of everyone's lesbian girl crush and hair porn.  

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Contrastual Harnomy is my signature decorating style.

This is just the imaginary internet but I could feel your concern coming through the online tube waves last week when I told you I wanted gross, carnivorous greens on my bedroom wall.  To calm your feels I reached into the special design blogger tool box of decorating emergencies:  the quick and dirty mood board!

These are REPRESENTATIVE.  I'm poor.  Duh.
See?  It's totally just a boring old bedroom for your average, every day hermit madame with a heart of darkness and a strong desire for walls that look fresh but a bit deadly.  

I love a really dark color - my hallway has been chocolate brown for 5+ years so I'm not afraid of caves.  However, I'm only painting my headboard wall dark green as an accent and the rest are going to be white.  In fact, most everything is white.  I believe the technical term is contrastual harnomy.  Consider it the aesthetic battle of good and evil if that makes it easier.  The Battle of Valspar 2014.

Or it may look like shit and then I'll have to make an entirely NEW mood board!  THE HORROR!  A reader pointed out that MFAMB recently did dark green and she told me that it ended up being "the sight equivalent to an acrid smell" which made me chortle, first of all, but it totally is a worry a mine but also strangely appealing.  Maybe I'm just weird.

I'm hoping to start painting next weekend if I don't find a reason to procrastinate.  I may even get a little adventurous and say goodbye to the cave and paint my hallway too since I'm feeling the fresh in 2014. 

That seems like a lot of work and I'm very busy this weekend:  I've been binge watching Scandal finally (OMG how does Kerry Washington walk like that?) but also House of Cards is coming back.  I have to get my Sochi fix in too but I'm really only interested in bribes and water that looks like it was brought in from Charleston, West Virginia.

This is a lot of pop culture that needs my attention.

However, we're having icy weather again so I've been working from home on Tuesday and Wednesday which is both great but kinda weird because although showering IS optional on a midweek day it feels like I'm in a time swamp.  I'm working at 6 AM but then drinking coffee at midnight because I'm still in my pajamas and my body is confused so basically without the structure of a real office my entire concept of time collapses.

Maybe I should give myself an office after the bedroom!

Office of Darkness.  And productivity.

See you soon with actual paint and real life things.

PS Am I the only one who's really upset about Shirley Temple?

I watched ALOT of her movies when I was younger and am convinced she was a tap-dancing elf with magical powers of happiness and now I'm grieving and that's probably another reason why I can't get out of pajamas and/or been drinking since 5 today.

Ok 4:30.

The joys of telecommuting.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Girl, you so hot you melt metal that I will use for pest extermination.

Picture it: Texas, 1983. 

The oppressive summer heat hadn't yet forced us indoors as my grandmother and I enjoyed a morning on the brick patio.  Even to this day she wakes up to watch the sun rise and spends the morning outdoors drinking coffee and mastering crossword puzzles.  I, three year old Baby Sauce, was joining her in what I'm assuming was an oversized tshirt with red popscicle stains down the front and nothing else which is my outfit choice even to this day.  Stains optional.

I was playing - nay, sashaying - through the grass enjoying our peace and quiet away from my tornado of a sibling when I paused briefly at the edge of the patio, no doubt to practice a spin, when I found myself with ankle socks made of fire ants.

Ahh, Texas.

Except in the case of macaroni and cheese lust, I generally feel like I'm a calm and stoic person in the face of adversity and not one to overreact.  However, I could not contain the agony being inflicted on my tiny, peachy extremities and began to scream and run in place with an athletic intensity that I didn't know I possessed and would never see again.  

Should there be a fire ant sprint in Sochi, I would easily win.  And then pour them down Putin's pants.  

Fortunately my grandmother, with a sense of calm that I only hope I inherited when I'm not being eaten alive by fire ants, came over and brushed away all the ants with her bare hands and directed me to STOP RUNNING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE ANTHILL, LACY.  Hey, I was distraught and couldn't think straight.  Also, three.

I don't remember much after that but I do remember going out to dinner later that night with my cute lavender summer sandals and my feet and ankles covered in dozens of tiny Bandaids.  Even then I was MORTIFIED at my feet looking so terrible and just knew everyone was staring at me.  I'm sure this in no one affected my growing self awareness and it certainly had nothing to do with any self-esteem problems, social anxiety or body shame I may or may not have had.

So when I saw this video, which I highly encourage you to watch, not only was I utterly fascinated but I tasted the most delicious cold dish of all: REVENGE.


Anthill Art pours molten aluminum into the colonies of red imported fire ants (RIFAs) to destroy them.  These guys are so fucking metal. (ZING! PUNS!)

Do not feel bad for these angry little fuckers.  They are terrible pests and apparently are mostly destroyed using fire, gasoline and poison.  Boiling water works for some small ant hills but if you're from Texas you know that many are indeed GIANT GAWDDAMN HILLS.

I'm fascinated with regular ant colonies and all social/hive-minded creatures with the exception of the Borg.  I mean, they build their own homes, y'all!  I much prefer the bee kinds of homes because they are much tastier but I appreciate a designer mind no matter how small or evil.

I know that we had an ant farm when I was younger once I got over the trauma.  I'm not sure what happened to the ants but I have a vague recollection of a certain tornadic sibling eating them just to horrify me.

Even without the badass process and sweet, sweet feeling of revenge I would absolutely display one of these pieces in my house.  I would also absolutely change the wood base though - maybe a block of marble or a live edge block of wood or something... I don't know, these polished bases aren't working for me.

All pics of Anthill Art via 22 Words
But honestly they're so fascinating I don't even care that much.

I don't know how much this guy is selling his pieces for - probably way more than I could ever afford but I did find a few on ebay that were under $100!

This lanky guy is at a starting bid of $75.

This little guy is only $35!!  WHY DID I MAKE FEBRUARY A NO SPEND MONTH?!?!?!?

$25. *crying*

I'm looking at bigger ones now so it hurts less.  This is a red harvester ant colony for $200.

Then there's the mother of them all - this almost three foot long piece of aluminum that I know you want to put on your dining room table too.  Except it's $1250.

Ebay seems to have enough listings that I could check back in March and unload $50 or so for a death trap - oops I mean sculpture - of amazing awesomeness.

My grandmother will be so proud.  But most likely disgusted.  That's love for ya.

You know what's real love?  Pouring molten metal down a hole then digging it up for me.  Makes a great Valentime's Day gift for weirdos like me.  *hint, hint*

I don't know who in the hell I'm hinting at other than imaginary boyfriends aka Idris Elba.

Or Christmas is only eleven months away, y'all.  It's almost like you're saving the environment, you do-gooder.  Al Gore would be so proud.


I kept digging and found these amazing casts by Walter Tschinkel who I think did this method long before the guy up top.  Read more about it here but check out these amazing casts that would make amazing CHANDELIERS!  

Or just a cool stalactite for your house.

That's a market that's vastly underdeveloped - the home stalactite business.

Pretty sure this guy is giving Idris Elba a run for his money now.  

The heat of molten metal will destroy my panties is what I'm saying.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Heart of Darkness seems like a fitting theme for my bedroom.

Right about now your New Year's resolutions are looking like a stinking pile of failure on your floor but not me!  I'm coasting on a high of energy and the thoughts of fresh digs.  Thanks, Vitamin D and low expectations!  

After this past year of, well, doing nothing, I finally opened my eyes and I do not like what I see.  It's time for a change.  I'm cleaning out closets, purging things to Goodwill, moving furniture but mostly making a mess by starting a million projects at once and not finishing anything yet.  However, my main order of business is my bedroom and have been thinking about color first and foremost.  

*cue collective groan*

I am - admittedly - TERRIBLE at choosing paint color for myself.  Friends, long-time readers and the unfortunate staff at every Ace Hardware in the tri-state area can attest to this.  I usually spend more money on swatches than actual paint and it will take months of agony and waffling before I make up my mind and then I usually am only partially happy with it. 

I'll pick your paint color in five seconds.  My walls paralyze and confound me.  But I'm going bold with my decision making speed AND color choice this time.

I've moving to the jungle! 
via Heptagram
Just kidding.  Kinda.

I can't get enough of this deep, lush green color, ya feel me?

Oliver Osborne

It's similar to Hunter Green but less preppy, more sinister.  If there was a shade of green that could get its own episode of Criminal Minds, THAT'S the color I'm obsessing over right now.  

via Cargo Collective
Carnivorous green.  

I've totally lost the source... working on it...
The plants might swallow you up kind of green.  

But on my bedroom wall so I can go to sleep next to it!  I feel like this may give me good, intense - possibly murderous - dreams all set on the island of Dr. Moreau. 

Plant Leaves in Blue by Eye Poetry Photography on Etsy.  Want so bad.
I've been referring to this look (because you might notice it elsewhere and need a handy name) as 'Heart of Darkness' because I keep remembering this dense, looming jungle in the book that makes me think of these colors.  But then I did a quick google search (blogger/journalist that I am) and realized that it's not the Amazonian jungle that I thought it was but instead the African wilderness and even though I'm 99% sure I wrote a paper on this book in high school I have a sneaking suspicion that I in no way actually read this book.

Hermes Summer 2014
In fact, 'Heart of Darkness' the trend (TM) and the imaginary jungle I just created to fit my color story may be a kind of metaphor for something terribly racist but I can't remember because I couldn't be bothered to read the actual book when I was 15...??  Maybe it's like saying you want your living room to have a Manifest Destiny theme OMG I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON AND HORRIBLE DECORATOR.  

Let's move out of the racist jungle that I made for myself and into the mountains. 

David Zhao
I don't actually want a tropical theme just the color, right?  Right.  

Yoshihiko Ueda
Maybe I could lean a bit more jewel tones but still lush and velvety and slightly creepy and a little magical.

This is sounding a lot like Forks, Washington...  

Say it.  Out loud.


Nino Oxilia's "Satan's Rhapsody," 1920, from Kittenmeats
Whatever, this lady knows what I'm talking about.  

Jamie Isaia for Tank Magazine
And this Ophelia-looking lady too.

Vertical Line, Kameoka, Japan by U3K-Y on Flickr
Apparently I will not be satisfied if my bedroom doesn't have a hint of death or vamp moss or jungle floor decay in it.  Of course, no one will even care because they'll just walk in a be like, 'yeah, ok' and then walk out very quickly and my back story won't even matter.  All this carrying on is just a peek inside my head.  FOR YOU.

A mystery...

But I've got plenty of time for back story and mood boards because I've also decided that February is a 'No Spend' month for me.  This means I can only spend money on absolute essentials like gas and cheese.  I gave paint a pass though.  I'm not an unreasonable monster!  Great time to start some redecorating projects, huh?  I'm great with timing.

Bloom In Winter by Susannah B on Flickr
Something about this push for redecorating and organizing and purging also makes me want to take a financial pause.  I need to take stock and clean out before I can commit my bank account to something.

via My Blue and White Kitchen
I want to give my entire retirement savings for the image above so obviously I need to lock up my monies from time to time.

See what I did there with the gates and the locking?  Yeah, I'm real subtle.


Somewhere here I think...
This is only about half of the images I had pulled that I liked, by the way.  I had about a hundred fifty-leven more but I thought y'all might be bored with a collage of menacing, dewy jungle leaves.  *I* wouldn't be bored but I just don't how far down the rabbit hole y'all are ready to go sometimes.

"Dance, Dance, Otherwise We Are Lost" by Will Davidson for Harper's Bazaar Australia via here
So instead I throw in some ghost green.  

Font Luna by Sylvan on Flickr
*cough* andsomemoreleaves...

Fading Falling, 2007, Ryan McGinley

Ok can't get away from the jungle quite yet...

But let's get real.  I can't actually redo a room out of $200 and magical Twilight jungle madness rambling.  I'll have to make it out of $200 and an actual paint color where $150 of that going towards paint swatches.  So rather than more feeeeling pictures, I found some actual walls.  Gawd, I'm tearing through this redo already.  Yay me.

This confirms my green wall lust:  

Susanna Vento via DesignLoveFest
Dark green, non-racist Heart of Darkness wall but maybe some lighter things to brighten up the whole... murdery, carnivorous vibe.  I'm surprised I actually like the copper here.

I also found that Little Green Notebook did a very similar color to the part of the fandeck I'm looking at.

Little Green Notebook
This is Benjamin Moore's Bavarian Forest and it looks dreamy.  Anyone remember the final results?  I can't find it.  The swatch in person is a little more blue than what I wanted but we'll definitely end up somewhere in this area.  Or maybe this color... who knows where sample #948982938743927 will end up??

Although that coral is bangin, it would drive me insane to have that bright of a color near my head.  I can deal with all the colors on the infinite rainbow of sadness, but not the rainbow of cheer.  Ew.

Abigail Ahern's London home in Rue Magazine
Maybe I'll end up with some, gulp, purple accents for even more of that magical Twilight sparkle moss feel.

Begonia leaves by Moonfruitmjuse
If I can't do purple, how bout a touch of velvety burgundy instead?  

Martha Stewart
Or maybe just I'll just keep it simple with a wall of not-quite-Bavarian Forest and some eggy neutrals.  It'll sure help to keep the darkness away.  IF I should want to do that.

Also, what the fuck kind of animal lays a hunter green egg?  A Matt Fox and Shari Hiller animal? 

But look, y'all!  IT HAS BEGUN:

I ain't fuckin' around.

This is BM's Essex Green which was the first sample.  I'll try to keep it under three for everyone's sanity.  I love the direction but it's a little too loafers, pearl necklace and Ralph Lauren plaid circa 1992.  Which is probably coming back in style right about now but it's not where my bedroom needs to be.  Remember, I want jungle shadows of encroaching evil but also light n' airy bedroom funtimes!

By the way, that's a dropcloth sheet NOT my bedroom sheets.  I may be color crazy but I have some dignity.